Bigjeeze

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him. He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . . You know what?' 'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I think you're bad luck, piss off!'

Dunno I drive an average 150 miles motorway every day then go "urban" for around 10 miles but I haven't noticed any slippage as yet -

The guarantee is for the life of the vehicle . If someone could explain how rust could crack the glass after the technician has replaced the old glass I would be very interested. The rust would have had to have "grown" by a heck of a lot to make the glass crack - I don't think it could do that - the worst it would do is to lift the glass and make it leak - but I doubt even that. Either the techy didn't fit it correctly or there is another reason. Just tell them it cracked and you want a replacement - oh and by the way you don't want any more caveats about rust - they either fit it properly or they don't.

I have been able to get 75 litres in my tank. I read on here somewhere that you can hold the "air" valve in the neck of the filler in with the nozzle of the fuel pump and that will allow you to get in more fuel. Since I started doing that I have been able to get 75+ litres in my tank - but more importantly I can now get 700 miles before the light comes on - It's still doing around 44mpg average but I am able to get more fuel in giving me a longer range.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so. Then she said, 'Tomorr ow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.' Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. 'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.' 'Batteries?' cried the wife? 'Yes!' he replied. PLEASE SCROLL DOWN ! ! ! OOOOH! You're gonna hate me for this - but it will make your day! ! ! ! ! 'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!

I buy my bread from Waitrose and I only use double refined Olive Oil - none of that nasty crude stuff for me!

Both fans come on if the Air con is activated - Try turning off the air con and see what happens. There may be an issue elsewhere.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started.....

On the opening day of the football season.......................................... A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. 'Why?' says the blonde. The boy says: 'Because I'm the sodding goalie'!

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. At first, Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, For crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you? Bill replied, I have been in jail. Cried Sam What in the world for? Well, Bill said, you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I go sometimes? Yeah, said Sam, I remember her. What about her? Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.....the damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

Thnaks all. Yes mine is actually wireless not infra red. Nik - Mine is a MK2 with wireless - so I am not sure where the receivers are - In the front headlining or the pillars ! Seatkid - I will try your method and see what happens. I do have a spare remote key I bought some months ago - it is uncut but I can use the radio unit - and that doesn't appear to help.

I am hoping someone on here can advise. My global locking/unlocking is becoming more and more unreliable. Most times I can press the button until the key squeaks and it still won't open. I have changed batteries twice - I have tried pointing it at the door pillars etc but it still seems to have a reducing range. Could it be the sensors in the pillars? Do they degrade? Any ideas gratefully received. Rgds BJ

My Tom Tom does this. It tells you what the current road speed limit is and then "bongs" if you go over the speed limt. It doesn't work on some B roads but all Motorways and A roads. I use this in conjunction with my Cruise control to keep the right side of the law.

Should be earthed via the screw - more to the point is there an earth there?

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13 ... 13 ... 13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on ... Some "basteward" poked me in the eye Then they all started shouting '14 ... 14 ... 14!

Hmmm... Has Seatkid, like me , frozen his fuel prices pre rises? I changed from NPower to EON on a fixed deal until November 2009 - it cost around 5% more than the current deal but it is frozen - so hopefully I won't be!!

How true - but then if you spend a large proportion of your free time and life looking for these things to score a point that has no point, well it seems pretty pointless to me. I laughed - a few others did - so I got the correct result - Not politically, but the one I wanted.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazinginto the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thoughthimself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly whacked on the hand, with a wooden spoon by his wife...... ......... ......... F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Have to ask the obvious question - Are you absolutely sure you need a new rack and pump ? The likelyhood of both going at the same time is pretty remote. Anyway I always thought the pics of your rack were fine!!! :lol:

Is that Burns or Mcgonagle?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"* Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Hi everyone, track your partner/husband/wife/friend ... Where is he or she right now? I can't believe this works! Good old Google Earth just got better. Type in the mobile phone number and you get the location of that person! Give it a try. It's incredible!!! Just click on the link below. http://www.track-your-partner.com/

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Phil: - Me? Never. Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Phil: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Eric: - What's that then? Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: - Nope. Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker...

Are you sure you meant to write this? Cos' you won't get those tubbies running very fast if you did!!!! ;)

Maz whats to keep civil? I have insulted no one I have not picked on any individual, unlike friend Mumble who has personalised this to an extraordinary degree. I'll leave this alone as despite the original intention being a joke this has obviously gone in another direction.