Bigjeeze

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt.' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't f..k about at the crematorium.' A friend of mine says he is shagging twins. I said ' How can you tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache ? A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you! Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ' How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f...ing mates with you' Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time. The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day'. Boy says 'That's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? B: Bill! Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. B: Yes. A: I won

When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different. A Sussex farmer in his land rover, drove to a neighbour's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" "No, he isn't; he went to town." "Well, is your Mother here?" "No, she went to town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No , He went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."' The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Jim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Jim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' Really? Like a newborn baby?! 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death and be with him for all Eternity. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army revolver and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place (her heart, not the revolver). Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast". Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counselling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah, a good thing within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi, "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the rabbi." "Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing!"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

Happy Birthday SK - Hope it's a good one for you. BJ

I have an average consumption of 44mpg - that is mostly all Motorway A road driving. If I am careful and stick to 55 -65mpg I can easily get that up to 50mpg but going anywhere takes so long!!!. I have discovered that i can fill up my tank with approx 75 litres and I can get 650 - 690 miles before the yellow light comes on - but it does vary. i am sure that in the winter the Aux heater uses a bit of fuel which will slightly distort the figures as will have the Air con on all the time ( which I do). 380 miles to a tank seems pitifully low to me. I would check my driving style making sure the engine doesn't labour but get it into top gear as soon as it can handle it. also no burning away from the lights (ha!) or hard accelleration etc should improve that figure. You don't say so but I suspect a lot of town driving may also be contributing.

Have a good one and be pleased that even at your new advanced age you don't look as bad as Big Kev does. :)

Marcr The ball joint keeps on popping off due to wear you need to replace the cables. Some people have managed to repair it using tie wraps etc but that only leaves you wondering where and when it will next break down. Have a look here http://www.fordgalaxy.org.uk/ford/index.ph...amp;#entry35431 It is not a difficult job but it is tedious - You need to remove the front seats and carpets to get at the necessary bits. You also need to remove the exhaust heat shield. It takes about 4 hours to do - the parts are around

I assume you want to change the oil to see if that will cure your problem? Otherwise you don't need to drain it to remove the gearbox. It is a tedious job and the Gearbox is very heavy but not really difficult.

The thermostat it housed behing the Power steering pump. You have to undo the pump and push it to one side - It's fiddly.

It's unlikely to be a mobile phone - it's more likely to be the alternator. Get a multimeter and check the output. The battery should show 12 volts plus - the alternator should output at 14 volts plus. If either of these is wrong then the alternator is suspect. There could be a drain somewhere so if the battery and alternator check out ok then you need to find any potential drain. The mobile phone would have to have a connection to the power to so that needs to be found and disconnected. I would also check interior lights, footwell lights etc to see if something is causing a drain. BJ

Steve I am sure you are going to be deluged with advice. Firstly you have in effect two water pumps. There is one on the engine and yes a belt change is a good time to change this, but, you should also check the Run on pump which is an electric pump situated on the bulkhead to the right of the engine bay. You should hear it humming when you switch off the engine. Apart from that you could check for an air lock in the system. There is a huge amount of stuff on the forum about this so enjoy searching!! BJ

PLEASE DON'T UNDO THE BLEED NIPPLE I will cause you more hassle It is a old wifes tale that it causes problem in the ABS pump, if you think about it under normal operation of the way the brakes work, you press the pedal and the fluid goes one way(to the brake cylinder) then when you release it goes back, so in fact goes both ways. I have never undone any nipples when doing brake work, unless I am changing the fluid. Radiotwo Whilst in theory I agree, the TIS says to clamp off the hose and undo the bleed nipple.

Hmmmm..... I'm not so sure - How does a fried Mars bar grab you?

Sorry Kev Do I have to win the lottery first?

Thank you all for your good wishes - I had a great birthday because I won

Andy read this topic all the way through it contains all you need to know plus pictures. http://www.fordgalaxy.org.uk/ford/index.ph...mp;hl=wasphouse Regards BJ

Hi The front suspension arm - has the rubber bushes mounted in it when you buy but the track rod end is a seperate part.

Have a look at this http://www.fordgalaxy.org.uk/ford/index.php?showtopic=16733

Hi Ben - do a search - It could be the cables or it could be the selector pin. If it's the cables you can re fit the ball & socket end back onto the selector and it may last for a while - if it is the cables you will need to replace them. If the selector then it is a little more difficult. Do a search as this is quite a common problem.

Sounds like the Output shaft on the offside which is a known problem. If you can get the car up on a ramp with the wheels on the ground then grasp the half shaft and try turning - if it moves back and forth with a click that's your problem - the issue is it may go at any time you can't predict it. It's costs around