johnb80

I forgot about the timing one, not heard of anyone suffering that for a while. Whats the performance like once running? Regards - JB

Yes, of course you can............. They probably won't be able to do it though :D Sorry, couldn't resist that. It's not easy to check these out without having something to generate the required airflow etc etc. Simply replacing the unit or borrowing one from another Gal is the way to go. Even if it proves not to be faulty it's highly likely you will need it eventually anyway and you do have all the signs and symptoms. Regards - JB

It would be very ineteresting to try and water cool a turbo, they do tend to run a little on the hot side :D

I'm not convinced that the reasoning is right when in LO. It doesn't matter what the sunlight sensor says, LO is LO! Obviously on a warmer day the compressor is going to spend more time pumping to get the evaporator temp down to it's limit (-6 degC I beleive) and hence you feel cold air for longer when it's warm. Regards - JB

I beleive thats pretty much whats needed. You will apparently need the patience of a saint and the persistance of a mother-in-law as well as stick plasters for your bleeding knuckles :D Good luck - JB

NOPE! I was paying you a compliment. Why bother to explain when there are lesser mortals to do the menial tasks :lol: Regards - JB

Mof4, you don't have a dog (or dogs in this case) and bark yourself :D

I thought the global function was only with the key in the lock i.e. not via the remote for obvious safety implications. Thats certainly true on my Cosworth Ultima, 2.3 Ultima and my current Gal. Regards - John

The easy way is to check first of all that power is getting to them. Hold a test lamp between the top connection and earth, it should illuminate when some switches on the ignition. If thats not happening, check fuses / relays / wiring etc. If it illuminates it's unlikely that all four plugs would fail at the same time but theyre not too difficult or expensive to change, do a couple and see if it attempts to start. If you take a plug out and connect 12v across it as it's name suggests it should glow red hot. Regards - John

You are correct on the ECON. Remember that CC works differently to aircon. The fact that you set 18 deg doesn't mean the air exiting from the vents will be set to 18 deg. I've just measured mine, 17 deg ambient outside, interior at about 24 deg. Set the CC to 21 deg (I leave it there winter and summer), air temp at the vents 4 deg C. The CC will put cold air into the cabin to bring the temp down, it also uses heat and cool at the same time to de-humidify and various other tricks. I'm pretty sure on mine, if I set the temp to LO the AUTO mode stays on. Regards - JB

Thats right, when working correctly airflow into the engine is being measured (by weight!) and then a fuelling calculation takes place. If the MAF isn't working in generally reads low and thus not a lot of fuel is put in which has devastating effects on performance. When you unplug the MAF IF it was working it would make a dramatic difference, little or no difference therefore means it's U/S. Regards - JB

WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL PITCHES 1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play. 2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald. 3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends. 4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner. 5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground. 6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities. 7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley (sadly our ex-National ground), also never mention pitches previously visited. 8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings. 9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner. 10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back. 11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles. 12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground. 13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies. 14. It is illegal to play on small, un-turfed pitches. 15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie. 16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy. 17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don?t get hosed down as often as they should. 18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes. 19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches. 20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week. 21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead. 22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf. 23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn?t had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchange were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one. ==== Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. === Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ==== Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ==== Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ==== Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ==== Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ==== Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? ==== Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? ==== Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ==== Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ==== Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ==== Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ==== Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q : Was this a male, or a female? ==== Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ==== Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ==== Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ==== Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at he time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ==== Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ==== Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything". A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road". A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here". A Dyslexic man walks into a bra. Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here". A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw". A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars - ed. One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!"

The Rules We always hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are "The Rules" from the male side. Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 1. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 1. Most guys own 3 pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with your dress? 1. Yes and No are perfectly good answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you don't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. we refuse to answer. 1. If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. The relationship is never going to be like the first 2 months we were going out. Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying but it's not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking unless you want to discuss such topics as Navel fluff, football or Sci-fi. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where dialog doesn't matter). 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Thank you for reading this, yes, I know I have to sleep on the sofa tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, its like camping.

The big and the small A well heeled businessman is driving around his home town one day in his prized silver BMW and pulls up to a set of traffic lights just as they turn red. Seconds later a Mini pulls up next to him. Both he and the Mini driver exchange glances. The businessman looks down his nose at the little red car, which doesn't go un-noticed by the Mini driver. So as they both wait for the lights to turn green, the Beemer man presses a button and lowers his electric window, watching it as it smoothly lowers itself into the body of the door. He is a little surprised to see the Mini driver look up at him and presses a button in his little car. His window also lowers itself electrically. The businessman counters by pressing another button in the BMW. The roof slowly peels back and disappears into a compartment at the back of the car. "Beat that," he thinks and looks down at the little Mini with a smirk. To his annoyance, the Mini driver presses a button in his car, and his roof slowly peels back and conceals itself away in it's own little compartment just as smoothly as it did in the BMW. The business guy can't believe it and is now well and truly hacked off. As he glares down into the Mini, desperately thinking of something else to press, the Mini driver hits another button on his dashboard. The passenger seat and rear seats in the wee car fold away and upside down to turn into a luxury bed, complete with duvet, pillows, a headboard and even a little bedside cabinet on which rests a brightly shining reading lamp. The lights turn green and the Mini speeds off. The Businessman sits motionless for several moments. He is gutted. When he has re-gathered his composure, he drives straight to his BMW dealer. He relays the details and insists that he have the same things installed in his car, no matter what the cost. Despite BMW's protestations and some $10,000 worse off, a week later he is back in his BMW, bed, and all ... plus some. He is determined to find the Mini owner and show it to him. So he spends all day driving around and around and as night falls is about to give up, when he finally sees the little red car parked up in a lay-by. As he quietly motors nearer he can see that all the windows are all steamed up. "Perfect," he thinks to himself. He drives up alongside the little car and lowers his window. He leans out and taps on the Mini's window ... and waits. Nothing. He taps again, a bit louder this time and hoots his horn. Still nothing. So he bangs on the window and leans on his horn and screams out: "COME ON OUT, YOU LITTLE SH*T ... STOP YOUR S**ING ... I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU." Finally, the Mini's window lowers and out pops the driver's head, all covered in sweat. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" shouts the Mini driver. "Look at this," the business guy replies. He presses his shiny new button and watches with great pleasure as all the seats in the BMW fold away and turn into a luxury bed. The sheets and duvet are exposed as is the headboard, bedside table and reading lamp. In addition there is a coffee percolator, a telephone, TV, VCR and DVD player plus stereo system with a 10 stack CD shuttle. All snap neatly into position. He knows that everything is just that little bit bigger and better than the one in the Mini. "Well what do you think of all this then?" he asks smugly. The Mini driver looks at him in disgust: "You got me out of the shower just to show me that?"

Society's Burning Questions If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,"Quit while you're ahead?" Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Clones are people two. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Think "honk" if you're telepathic. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN. 1) Take off clothing and place in laundry basket. 2) Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, if seen by husband along the way, cover any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. 3) Look at body in mirror

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 22) It only took a minute to remove the minute speck of dust from his eye.

There was a man who really took care of his body. He went to the gym, lifted weights, jogged six miles every day, trained with the local rugby boys, took care of his diet, etc. etc. Then, one morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was sun-tanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his dick, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that....... When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I'd forgot about it. Now look! I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!"

1) Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 11. Remember half the people you know are below average. 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it is. 13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 14. For every idiot proof invention, they invent a better idiot. 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 20. I intend to live forever - so far so good. 21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. 24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. 25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. 27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. 28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 34. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. 36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. 37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 43. Two wrongs are only the beginning. 44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. 46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. 48. Get a new car for you spouse - it'll be a great trade! 49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. 50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! 51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... 53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. 54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?" The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course". The American blew a huge bubble. " We don't. In the states we only eat whats inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform then into croissants, and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course". Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the states we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia." The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why, of course we do." The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "and what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course" Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think its called Wrigley's?"

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

LOVE MATHS smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy SHOPPING MATHS A man will pay

Men 'v' Women How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it to you. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to