Bigjeeze

Finni are you saying this has happened to you?

A new Judge was installed today at the Inns of Court. He has had a long and fruitful career despite having what some might see as a serious disability. He was born with no thumbs. Welcome to Justice Fingers!!!!!

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... 'Bob, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!' She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Bob, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!' Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Bob, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!' Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'Bob, remember that BLOW JOB I promised you?' 'Here it comes.'

There are virtually no new jokes - all are variations on a theme. But still funny.

A man is driving down a country road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, show him to a room, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answer to these questions, you will have become a Monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for. By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has now become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer "who?" * * * scroll down * * * wait for it * * * it's worth it.....trust me * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "That was Thora Hird."

Gregers - you can save all those tips up and make a new one!!!

He may have a urinary infection - it may be something simple like he needs a circumcision - The best bet is to give hime some panadol and get him to the quack asap. Obviously tell him not to worry but he should lay off the girlfriends for a day or two!!!

Scorpio - Where did you buy the hose? How much was it. Regards Gary

The offers still on - I got some too.

Go to your nearest Aldi and buy a cheap video camera and try and film the bastard doing it - That way you can send his Mum a film of what her angel looked like before he got caught. Aldi sells hammers and all sorts of tools.

Well the latest is that the condenser is fine there is no leak - and I now know where the Receiver dryer is located - I will post a pic for SeatKid. I found the leak and it is in one of the two pipes that leave the compressor - it appears to have a porous or tiny hole in it - Not only can I see the fluid beading on it but there is an amount of it on the engine tray below. The pipe is metal then connects to a rubber hose which then connects to another pipe and appears to disappear round to the rear of the engine compartment - either to go into the evaporator in the cabin or the rear air con unit. After reding some of the posts here it looks horribly expensive to replace. As I know I have to repolace it I have sealed it using Araldite metal then put a rubber sleeve and jubilee clip - I then used one the areosol canisters and filled it as best I can. The display has stopped flashing , the fans run and there is no apparent leak after running for an hour or so. I will now see if I can either have the hose repaired or try and buy a new one. The Aircon doeswn't appear to cool very well at all but then I don't think there is sufficient gas in it. I am going to complain to the head office of the garage that quoted for the condenser repair as it is obvious he didn't even look at it - and he would have replaced the condenser then come back and charged me for a new pipe plus another re gas. He's either incompetant or a cheat.

Correct me if I am wrong but I beleive the Drier is built in to the condensor on this model. If not then I will definitely get a new one .

I had some fun with my camera - The on board battery failed so I kept losing all the settings - I coudln't find the battery so went hunting on the web. I found out that there is a small capacitor/battery available and that you can repair it yourself. I went on a US site got pics of how to do it but then couldn't find the part!!. I eventually found one in the US in Minnesota. I ordered it on Monday - it cost

Tim this seems to be what I have - So I just need to remove the bumper and then I can access all of the connections on the condenser? Did you get new seals with the condenser? Or do you buy these separately? BJ

Well the outcome is that the Air COn guys say my condenser has a leak. They will supply & fit one for

I have booked my Gal in at a local Air con shop which so far has seemed trustworthy. In the interim I bought a can of gas from Halfords - topped the system up with whatever it would take and lo & behold it has stopped the display flashing and the fans come on - I will still have it serviced as I am not sure I should trust the can version - but at least it gives nme some small comfort that it still works!!!

Backtrack? Moi? When I first saw him I had assumed he was a miner - short dwarf like - bad teeth and eyes - like he lives underground and tunnels using his teeth - Then I realised he was a Hobbit.

Made me think... Drilled discs = Emmenthal Can anyone think of any more cheesy allusions? Big Cheese? I mean, Bigjeeze? E dam well better fix it soon Holmes - Emmenthal my Dear Watson!

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fibre today "OLD" IS WHEN "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND . . . . . . "OLD" IS WHEN You are not sure these are jokes....

Tony, Cherie and Chancellor Gordon Brown were on their way back to London on Blair Force One, when Tony said " I'd like to drop a

Well my MK2 Air Con has just died. I noticed a couple of weeks ago that the Air Con wasn't as cold as usual - and it has got steadily worse until this morning the display started flashing. I also notice that the two fans in the engine bay do not come on with the Air con - How can I test to see if this is the issue rather than a gas one - If that's possilble? I notice that the Aircon clutch is working - you can see and hear the drop in revs as it engages - COuld it be the pressure switches? Where are they located? I assume VAG Com would be the best place to start? Bloody Mk1 is like a sodding fridge!!!!

Best bit is that I saw him interviewed on TV yesterday and when asked what he would spend the money on he said that the first thing he was going to do was to get his teeth fixed so that he could smile without being embarrassed!!!!

Chicosi If you voted for someone based on theie story then you are right we were had - But you were asked to and I am assuming that people voted on the basis of his performance - Personally I don't care where or how he trained he certainly has the necessary talent. He might have spent some of the alleged

Well obviously not me!! I am reading this at a reasonable time. I wake up most days at 6,00am rain or shine whatever time i go to bed - But I can also take a nap during the day if I get 5 mins!!