Bigjeeze

BK is right - but every dog has his day - it's the Yanks turn at the moment - but that will change - start learning mandarin now!!!

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Broad Quay office to show it off to his colleagues.As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful midnight blue Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!" After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs Lee the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The Londoner looks down in horror ."F***ING HELL !" he screams........ Where's my Rolex??..."

I would try wickes or a DIY store - I don't find Halford's prices that good - but they may do one.

No to a blow torch - you don't want or need a naked flame - it will burn the paint and plastic - you can buy the hot air guns for around a tenner - but again remember do not heat for too long or in one small point and keep testing as once the plastic becomes soft then you need to push out the dent and remove the heat to let it cool off.

If it is deep scratches then it's a paint job - but if the bumper has dents then you can get them out using one of those heat guns (that you use to get paint off) - all you do is spply heat (carefully) until it goes soft then (wearing gloves) push out the dents and hey presto they come out. Hope that helps a bit!!

Well.....

Thats the way to do it!!

Hmmmm....

Self explanatory really!!!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... =============== Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and. Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... ============== = Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a colour printer? Customer: Aaaah...................thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer:! OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... =============== Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ? == ============= Customer: can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. =============== Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. =============== Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." =============== And last but not least... Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

The refrigerant gas would vapourise and disappear - but the oil would not - that would land on the ground and look and feel..... like oil!!

A SPANISH Teacher Was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz.." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.

How do they do that? I can't get my tyres to last more than 28K miles or two years!!!!

Would you expand on that? When you say engineer what sort? Who do you work for?

Kev what do you do then? Teacher. Lecturer, Instructor, professional - Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer, Dentist, Accountant - what? I really am interested. BJ

I have a suspicion that you mean 80f not c - if it was c that would be Global Baking not warming!!!

Got any documentatiuon that was written in the last 10 years ? No - but like you I can collect it from the net. The "evidence" you are presenting is way out of date. I haven't presented any!! Explain to me why Vegetarians are more likely to contract CJD then ?.........and dont say they are not .....look at the majority of people who have caught it......20 to 30 year olds......mostly veggies. You have stated this - I haven't seen any proof - and as I said I am not qualified to judge - all you can get from me is my opinion which whilst valuable to me is not necessarily valid or properly informed. Sheep get scrappie from the dodgy pesticide chemicals used in sheepdip.....this mutated to become BSE....now you know the source. So you say - but Neil says not........? Also just noticed you work for BT.....that explains a lot I hadn't realised you wanted to make this personal - Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean my view is any less valid than yours. What do you do then? apart from make judgements based on tabloid journalism?

While walking through a park in Omaha, Nebraska, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK . . . " So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw th is guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake . . . "

JUst a question for the clever peeps. I noticed that my oil warning light goes out after a minute or two when I turn the ignition on but don't start the engine. I had thought this was triggered by the oil pressure switch but now I am not sure. Can anyone enlighten me? Cheers BJ

I am advised that I may have upset or insulted some people with my "Children" joke. If that is the case I apologise unreservedly. BJ

Quite right - what a donut!!! I stand corrected and apologies for being an A class prat!!

All of this just proves a very useful point really - you can "prove" anything using statistical data and scientific studies - what you then have to prove is the methodology - You can arrive at a conclusion by lots of routes but it doesn't mean they are correct. You will find just as many eminent scientists on both sides of these arguments (as proven by Neils' message )and yet no definite agreed proof from either. The interent has been an enabler in all sorts of ways but it also gives people the impression that if they collect enough data and that data agrees with their thoughts then it is right. If you were paranoid you might also think that the data published on the Internet was the data "they" wanted you to read and believe. I can, and will, if you insist quote you reams of data on the other side of your argument - but I work for BT I am not a scientist so although I might be well informed or generally aware I am not qualified. If you are then great. But I don't think so.

You can't be an Honourary Geordie - you can spell Honourary!!!

You still haven't quoted your source for your info - you say it's entirely due to the Sun - wheres your evidence? Zebras are naturally vegetarian - but so then were cows until BSE was given to them by food containing meat based products.

OK lets put it another way.. If we changed the way we measure time so instead of minutes we had something else with a differing measured period then it could be that 5mins may be a day or a night - we gave time measurements they are only there because we say so - so ignore them and you have all the time you need .