Bigjeeze

I wouldn't swear to it not being sure what engine is in a 96 2.0 Sharan - but to all intents and purposes all three marques are pretty much the same vehicle - So the Ford manual will cover all of the VW/Seat versions except for interior trim etc. Maybe that Sharan has a VW engine in it? If not then it's a Ford.

A man was driving down the road and ran out of fuel. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"? "I'm out of fuel." The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his fuel tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my fuel tank"? Scroll down Scroll down The bee answered, "BP."

Council tax re-valuers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do not do anything. Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son's wife but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control. Who'd live near Windsor Castle?

Hi Marty I drove one for a week recently on a trip to Italy - Loads of room - air con great - but totally underpowered - Struggled up big hills and that meant a lot of gear changing - Apart from that an excellent car! If I were to buy one it would have to be a slightly bigger engine.

The saddest part is that she will probably go quite cheaply at Auction - oyu - if you had the funds - would likely bid more than most because you know the motor. Can't you win the lottery of something? Better still clobber the old man for CHild maintenance in advance!!

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is a nother extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS" This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN" The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for

Today, be my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that dis be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all dose payments! So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house and tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face." So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face. Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?" She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .. and watch the 'spression on yo face"!!

This is the last mouse she killed!untitled.bmp

I got to 26 after lots of starting again but what a bugger!!

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passio! nate 44. compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially ti me for herself 53. give her lots of space, never ! worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Show up naked 2. Bring food

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring and Suffering. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?". I said "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Grafton Street and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power." Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son!" A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!" I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is a nother extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

From the Washington Post In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. 'You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't,' he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 'That was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's... just pumping away at this pumpkin.' Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? **ck me... is it midnight already?'

Do you think that the media - Radio , Press & Television news should be controlled? I don't mean removing the freedom of speech but a better editorial control. I notice that some news stories that don't appear to interest anyone may be kept running or restarted until the rest of the media pick it up for no obvious reason. Also the way some news is reported exacerbates some situations when a more sensistive storyline might avoid one. I notice that the press have a habit of telling us all how to do things from making bombs to avoiding arrest - all in the name of news reporting. I now know what drugs to buy where to get them and what I shoud pay. We see lots of negative news but never any positive news - Take the NHS for example - if you believe the press it's falling down around our ears - but thats not my experience at all. What do you think?

Apart from sourcing a new steering wheel it isn't a difficult job. You do need to buy a new centre nut and washer - but aprt from that it's very straightforward. I have done it on my Mk1 - but not on a Mark 2 - although I think all is the same - The Haynes manual talks you through it quite well. Regards BJ

When I changed mine on my '97 Mk1 it did not need resetting. So go ahead and try it - if it does then maybe someone with VAG Com can help. Regards BJ

A Policeman stopped a man who was travelling with six children, "Are all these kids yours??" The man replies, " No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints". A small Boy wrote to Father Christmas ," send me a brother" Father Christmas wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

Loz why not try taking the "box" out taking the case off and cleaning it? When this happens to mine I cleaned it in the sink under running water with a nail brush then dried it in a warm oven - it's still working now (about 4 years). It may not work - but it's worth a try!!

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked . "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" "Easy" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

It does sound like the clock spring - this isn't difficult to change but you will need to remove the steering wheel. The Haynes manual tells you how to do the complete op on MK1. I am not sure about the link to the box of tricks under the seat - Thats usually affects the central locking and windows - but I am not certain. Good luck.

One for the ladies....... A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed P.... E.... N.... I.... S.... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a

Do a search - there are tons of posts on tyres - the legalities and the best options.