gaznlou

This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches at an Elementary in Thorsby forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Dear Thorsby School : God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sunnybrook Assisted Home for the Aged. My family have all passed away and I am alone so thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine but I told her to f*ck off. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Edna.

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs.Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.' The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

It means do not write in CAPITAL letters!

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected. One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'. Apparently 'My c**k' is not an acceptable answer.

Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for 'suck here.' Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.' Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch. Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

Far too expensive, this should be around

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.' 'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck. 'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman. 'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?' 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?' 'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.' The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!' 'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.' So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.' 'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?' 'At the circus,' says the barman. 'The circus?' repeats the duck. 'That's right,' replies the barman. 'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?' 'Yeah,' the barman replies. 'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck. 'Of course,' the barman replies. 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck. 'That's right!' says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . 'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

They did yesterday :lol:

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, Trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?'' Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to Find seats. Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's' names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy. In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?' Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'Then I call them by their last names.

Crazy Complaints made to Leicester council. These were leaked out by an English teacher These are extracts from actual letters sent to Leicester council and Housing associations 1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off. 5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant? 7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. 10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. 12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. __________________________________________________________________

No problem Lets us know how it goes Gaz

All you have to do is order as normal through the website. When you have your Order Number, email this to a guy called David Black at MyTyres (black@delti.com) with your Order Number and quote "Ford Galaxy Forum" somewhere in the email. He will then deduct 3% from the final price, email you back with the discounted price and amend the credit/debit card transaction accordingly. eg/ If you order 4 Dunlop SP Sports 2020Es 215 55 16 reinforced you'll save yourself another

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butche r got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher again understood, and gave her some chicken breasts. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Stop, for a moment, and try to visualize what you think she did. Then, scroll down.) What in the world were you thinking? Hellooooooo... ...her husband speaks English! Now get back to work.

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' The Lord replied.......... 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

) This is a picture of an octopus.It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.(James age 6) 3) If you are surrounded by sea you're an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily** Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 5) A dolphin breaths through an arshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 6) 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs Millie age 6)** 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 6) 9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.(Amy age 6) 10) Some fish are dangerous.Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) 11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin age 6) 12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) 13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7).

Got the tickets, but wasted them, I was stuck in Poland working ;)

Is the Zip big enough?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so) ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Gaz

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do politicians use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kgs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?' Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo? An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...' Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind Him. The waitress asks him for his order. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the Ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That 'll Be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke. 'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato And a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse Me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the Attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would Just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask For a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, The exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a Tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

Would seem the NZ pilots have a definite sense of humour...... To those of you who fly a lot, this may help you to "lighten up" the next time the airline of your choice causes you major aggravation!! All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported: ***** On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ***** Heard on an Air New Zealand flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." ******* On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." ****** There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." ****** "Thank you for flying Virgin Blue. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ****** As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Dunedin Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" ****** After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Auckland, a flight attendant announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as shootin' everything has shifted." ****** From an Air NZ employee: "Welcome aboard Air NZ Flight 245 to Wellington . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." ***** "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite." ****** Weather at our destination is 7 degrees Celsius with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than we do." ****** "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." ****** "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." ****** And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Virgin Blue is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" ****** Heard on Qantas just after a very hard landing in Sydney : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." ****** Overheard on an Air NZ flight into Wellington on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wellington. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ****** Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ****** An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" ****** After a real crusher of a landing in Palmerston North, the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." ****** Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Air NZ." ****** A plane was taking off from Auckland Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 316, nonstop from Auckland to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

1010369 is the Ford part number for a CATALYST for an Escort!!!!!

Good info, we are off to France, this Wed until 12th from Portsmouth, to Cherbough, 1.28 litre not as cheap as usual then :-( Mind you fill the back up with Wine on the way home good saving there :-)