Davetheref

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we d o monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Opps, what have I started here ???? :16:

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket". The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on" The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. "Your horse phoned"

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.' The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!' The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM -she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.' Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers : Please scroll down. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... .... ... ... ... ... The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a good girl.

I am a member in just 2 other forums, S-Max owners (as I now have an S-Max) and a football referee forum. This was also the first I ever joined and hope never to leave. Loved it when I first joined and loved the banter between members i.e. SA Intruder and a few others. I remember well when MUMO4 joined and the traumas she went through with her driving test amongst other things and it makes the forum that more personal and enjoyable and DIFFERENT from other forums. I always pop on here at least once a week just to see whats going on and hope to for some time yet. Just my 2 penneth worth

Seatkid, that was the exact reason I heard off another site (but couldn't remember the name). They called it a 'smart charging system' from Ford. I actually had my car into them once about this and all the did was charge the battery. I've learned to live with it now. :o

It sounds like you have the same problem that affects S-Max's as well. My 56 S-Max still has the flickering lights for the first few minutes and there appears to be no fix from Ford at all. There are lots of people have this on S-Max forums and i suspect as the cars are so similar to Gals, they must have similar wiring and electrics too.

Can I ask how easy they actually are to fit as I've heard some nightmare stories about DIY tints in the past. Cheers

I would, personally, go for the middle option as GPS is much easier to get after the event i.e. TomTom etc. and I dont think I could evr live with a white car.

If it is the standard Vistron unit that was fitted, then I'm afraid there is no way to change the regions or make it multi-region. I went through this myself a couple of years ago and there were a lot of posts about it as well.

Hi Bigtee and welcome to the madhouse. There is lots of previous posts all about tuning chips etc. (I had one on my old Gal). It seems to be divided between whether you have one of the cheap ones or expensive re-mapped\tuning kit. Try typing Tuning Chip in the search an I'm pretty sure you will find a lot of info. Good luck

I didn't think you could 'lock' the code in as if it was stolen, then the thief would be ok to install elsewhere etc. etc. That is the whole idea of codes for radios, I thought. B)

My son has the 1.6 TDCI on his new fiesta and that has the cover fitted.

Does anyone know of a dent removal company, similar to the ones mentioned, in the North Herts area?

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS

young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin. "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're in Insurance. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me . Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

I bought a do-it-yourself kit from Ebay and used silicon sealant (the same as for bathrooms etc) to stick them in with.

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, 60's 70's First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin and ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always exciting and great fun. We drank water from the garden hose or tap and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank cordial with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem . We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, No video games at all, No 99 channels,No Pay TV, No cable, No DVD movies or surround sound. It's crazy! We even had No mobile phones, No text messaging, No personal computers, No Internet or Internet chat rooms.......... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we didn't poke out anyone's eye. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with your eyes shut holding a pair of scissors, doesn't it?!

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

School 1977 vs. School 2007 Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates. 2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites. Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students. 1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper. 1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion. Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school . 1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area. 2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English. 1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college. 2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill. 1977 - Ants die. 2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him. 1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

You are right about that. Its happened twicre on my SMAX now. It just happens for a few days then stops again.

A Swede, an Irishman and a Scotsman take their wives golfing The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any. The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not? She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me'. Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money at be able at afford any;. The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'O decency, here's a comb ... Tidy yerself up a bit'.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED : Men Are Just Happier People-- Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is