Advantages To Be Over 50

[stevie m]

1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.

 

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

 

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

 

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

 

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

 

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

 

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

 

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

 

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

 

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

 

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

 

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the

room.

 

13. You sing along with elevator music.

 

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

 

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

 

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national

weather service.

 

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember

them either.

 

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

 

19.You can't remember who sent you this list and you notice these are

all in Big Print for your convenience.

 

 

And the ladies-

I live in my own little world, but it's okay because they know me here.

 

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

 

All I have to do is win the lottery!

 

Official member of the "Piss & Moan" club.

 

Age is like underwear, it creeps up on you!

 

I'm at that awkward age between desirability and complete senility.

 

Better to be an old fart than a young s**thead.

 

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

 

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

 

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

 

If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

 

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

 

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

 

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

 

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.

 

When I feel athletic, I go to a sports bar.

 

The older I get, the better I was.

 

Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.

 

My karma ran over your dogma.

 

I was built for comfort, not speed.

 

Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!

 

Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?

 

Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just seems like longer!

 

I'm on a 30-day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.

 

Of all my husband's relatives, I like me best.

 

Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.

 

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow isn't looking good either.

 

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

 

I used to get lost in the shuffle; now I just shuffle along with the lost.

 

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

Chaos, panic & disorder.... my work here is done.

 

It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

 

Don't take life so seriously, it's not permanent.

 

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

 

A smile confuses an approaching frown.

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

 

Our parents were never our age.

 

If a woman's place is in the home, why am I always in this car?

 

We are born naked, wet & hungry, then things get worse.

 

I am NOT in denial.

 

A person who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.

 

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

 

VENI, VEDI, VISA. I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

 

Sometimes I wake up grumpy

Edited November 6, 2008 by stevie m