Edinburgh Festval

[MadBaz]

Edinburgh Festival Best Jokes

 

 

 

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be

 

sh*tting herself. (Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)

 

 

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was

 

never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to

 

sleep at night.

 

 

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people

 

were given pointed sticks? (Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)

 

 

 

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

 

A: The ultrasound people.

 

(David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)

 

 

 

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I

 

looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say

 

something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.

 

 

(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

 

 

 

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,

 

"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but

 

we're not going to get much done." (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

 

 

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

 

(Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)

 

 

 

Sleeping with prostitut*s is like making your cat dance with you on its

 

hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that

 

they're enjoying it as well. (Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)

 

 

 

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help

 

thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. (Jimmy Carr at

 

the ICC)

 

 

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because

 

 

eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you

 

 

murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...Self-raising?" (Addy

 

Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)

 

 

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and

 

punched someone in the face. (Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)

 

 

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. (Jimmy

 

Carr)

 

 

 

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox.

 

 

The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.

 

(Shazia Mirza the Pleasance)

 

 

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the

 

obvious one was "Shout For Help". (Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)

 

 

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl

 

out of Cork ... (Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)

 

 

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned

 

out it was a bloo*dy hoax. (Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)

 

 

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The

 

hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join The

 

circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with plumber".

 

(Steven Alan Green at C34)

 

 

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a

 

winner and a loser at the same time. (Demetri Martin at the Assembly

 

Rooms)

 

 

 

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian

 

princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.

 

(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

 

 

 

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign

 

that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try..What a

 

rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus! (Seymour Mace at Caf

[acombe]

They must all read the net I saw ALL them jokes on a list about 2 years ago

[gregers]

bit longer then that i think :o