Ronnie W.

at least you can say I've been to Hull and back ;)

http://mythoughtsideasandramblings.com/200...-wedding-dance/

in the Inverness job centre a man see's a vacancy for a gynaecologist's assistant, he asks for details and is thrilled to learn that the duties are to prepare the ladies as follows : 1, remove thier underwear 2,wash and shave thier nether regions 3, rub oil on the shaved areas salary is

The only way that a couple could manage a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted. 'An Ambulance just drove by.' 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company', he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike....' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving' 'Jason is on his skate board....' After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are havin sex!!' Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.' was the reply...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.' The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I've quit drinking!'

This is the wheels I fitted to my Gal got local sign maker the do badges for me

Why use a "step ladder" don't you get on with your real one?

TAE A FART, Oh wit a sleekit horrible beastie, Lurks in yer belly efter a feastie, nae maiter wit u dae, abdys gonna hiv tae pay, even if yae try tae stiffle, it's lyk a bullet oot a rifle, hawd ur bum tight tae the chair, tae try n stop the leakin air, shimmy yersel fae cheek tae cheek, n pray tae god it disnae reek, Oot it comes lyk a clap o thunder, Ricochets aroon th room, Michty me a sonic boom! God almichty it fairly reeks, Hope I huvnae shit ma Breeks.

The only problem with it is the interior colour if you have loads of little ones it will get messy quickly and a bu**er to clean speaking from personal experience LOL

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!' Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.' He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000 Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

UK v USA v OZ Police -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Question: How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer? Answer: Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and raises the knife and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?' UK Police Officer's Answer: 1) Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! 2) Does the man look poor or oppressed? 3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 4) Could we run away? 5) Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? 6) What does the law say about this situation? 7) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? 8) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? 9) Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? 10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? 12) Should I call 9-9-9? 13) Why is this street so deserted? 14) We need to raise taxes, have a paint-and-weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior? 15) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away; do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself? 16) If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Australian Officer's Answer: 1) BANG! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- American Officer's Answer: 1) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!!!!!!! Click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''

Subject: Inner Peace I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could well use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr.Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how f***king good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace. It really works!!!

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' That said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!' The guy then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?' The medicine man replies: 'All you or your partner have to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned--it will not work again for another year!' Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, '123.' He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?' And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

A day from the diary of a BMW driver... "The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

http://www.snotr.com/video/953 this link works

43. It only smokes for a short while

4X4 parking

Dont tell anyone.................... Im going to go down on you!! And your going to LOVE it. But its only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it. Then im going to come back up again and fcuk you big time Yours Sincerely, Petrol prices xxxx

At least we went out fighting

We had to come home early from trying out our new caravan as it is lashing here the dog was p@'sed of being stuck in the caravan as the missus would not let him out in case he made a mess coming back in

We pick up our new caravan on Tuesday 2004 Bailey Senator Arizona our old one was 16 years old and a six berth but as it is mostly me and the missus that go now a four berth will do cant wait The first pic shows me trying it out

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "Oh yes, It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

Just got the Gal serviced and cam belt changed at a local independant garage

Ok here is my one We hired a mini-bus to take my teenage daughter and her mates to a concert in Glasgow (220miles from home) We went to a local branch of Arnold Clark and paid when booking as this was the only way to reserve the bus ,this was 4 months ago about 2 months later we got a call from AC to say that their insurance company would not let them hire busses to private individuals company hires only very sorry we can give you 2 people carriers for same price they said, now I am full of tricks but driving two cars at once is not one of them so booking cancelled I them did an internet search and came up with an alternative company to hire one from and the best bit they delivered and collected the bus from your door great booked and paid the big day comes bus booked for 12 noon 5 minutes before the hour I phoned to ask about bus and was told the booking was for noon and the bus would be there the call lasted more than 5 minutes i said the bus is not here "give it a while" quater past and still no bus on the phone again "we are looking into it " 15 mins passed stil no bus so phoned again "we are still looking into it and we will phone you". 1.15 still no call so I phone again somewhat p****d off "sorry but the company we booked you bus from cant find the booking it will not be coming but we will refund your card today" How an I supposed to get a bus load of teenagers to Glasgow I asked "not our problem" the guy said but I booked the bus with you and now I have a lot of extra expense to cover "sorry can only give refund of hire" My Galaxy was in the garage getting the timing belt done I phoned them and they had not started it so I was able to get it back and my oldest son who had been working since 2 am offered to take a load in his car so we set off nearly two hours late and had to drive like madmen to get to Glasgow and just made it in time for the concert starting http://www.eliteselfdrive.com/p185071/15-SEAT-MINI-BUS.html this is the company involved so be aware

Is it male ? :ph34r: