Tee Hee

[sip]

A husband wrote a letter for his wife

 

To My Dear Wife,

 

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight."

 

 

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

 

To My Dear Husband,

 

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.  At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

[Grumpy]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends

[Grumpy]

Why I Fired My Secretary

 

 

 

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.

 

She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone any "Happy Birthday."

 

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."

 

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

 

As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."

 

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

 

I said, "No, I guess not."

 

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she

said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."

 

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

 

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

 

And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

[Guest Cepheus]

What's the difference between a eunoch and an eskimo?

 

One's a placid vassal with a flacid tassle, the other is a frigid midget with a rigid digit!

 

 

 

And in fear of backlash from the female members .....

 

What have KFC and women got in common?

 

When you've finished sucking on the breast and thigh, there's always a greasy box to throw your bone in!

 

;)

[katman]

Kermit Jagger

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that she will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says........."

 

It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you?!!)

[mumof4]

:lol: :P :lol: :P :D

[Bigjeeze]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married

again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (Makes loud groan)

WIFE: "Would you sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence---

HUSBAND: "Shit...."

[Bigjeeze]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.

 

He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

 

"What are you doing?" he asks.

 

"I'm doing exactly what you asked me to do last night when you came to

bed very drunk," she replied

 

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,

 

"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[Bigjeeze]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."

[Bigjeeze]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find that that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[Bigjeeze]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. Heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

[Bigjeeze]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 litres of low fat milk

a carton of eggs

2 litres of orange juice

a head of lettuce

half a dozen tomatoes

a 500g jar of coffee

a 250g pack of bacon

 

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

 

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Masked Marauder]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

 

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

 

The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

 

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."

[mumof4]

:( :( :lol: :o

 

you lot ever read the darwin awards????

[Bigjeeze]

Ehh!!!?

[steve67car]

a top medical adviser has just developed a bra for ladys that does not allow then to bounce when they are running

show there nipples when cold

or allow men to see any cleverage because of the high cut design

 

 

 

 

 

his work mates have just kicked the shit out of him

[gregers]

superb B)

[gregers]

my old nieghbour used to be in the navy,he decided to go into town and find a lady of the night,she takes him back to her room after about 15mins he asks her how hes doing she replys about 3 knots,great he thinks until she says your not hard,your not in and your not having any more.

[Masked Marauder]

Things that make blokes proud of themselves!

 

 

 

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars

are men's work.

 

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

 

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

 

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

 

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

 

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

 

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

 

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

 

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your

hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

 

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

 

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

 

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

 

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed.

However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

 

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.

Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

 

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?"

to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women.

Congratulations, you are now your dad.

 

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

 

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

 

18. TAKING OUT

[bigdaddy]

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

 

 

 

 

B) :o :P :P B) :o :P :o :P :D

 

 

Thats the best,,,,MM :D