Tee Hee

[Bandito]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over

 

10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's

 

certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer & closer, he began to

 

rule out the possibilities of a small boat & even a raft. Suddenly there emerged

 

from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear of the wet

 

suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

 

 

 

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman & said to him,

 

"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten

 

years," replied the amazed Irishman.

 

With that, she reached over & unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left

 

sleeve of her wet suit & pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes

 

one, lights it & takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah, "said the man,

 

"that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

 

 

 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish

 

whiskey? "asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "10 years."

 

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket

 

there & removes a flask & hands it to him. He opened the flask & took a long

 

drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!

 

 

 

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front

 

of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man

 

and asked, "And, how long has it been since you played around?"

 

 

 

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees & sobbed, "Sweet

 

Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[paulmpaciorek]

Two vultures board an aeroplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger.

 

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal'. The other goes to a family in Spain; they named him "Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so the opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

 

:D

[mumof4]

Ruddy brilliant the last one!!

[Grumpy]

OK then, my contribution:-

 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

 

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

 

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

 

 

 

 

THERE'S MORE...

 

 

 

 

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

 

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

 

 

 

 

 

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

 

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

 

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

 

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

[Grumpy]

Just one more:-

 

 

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

 

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

 

COLIN POWELL

Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

 

HANZ BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

 

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

 

SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 

DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, The chicken crossed the road,

But why it crossed, I've not been told!

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain. Alone.

 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

 

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

 

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

KARL MARX

It was an historical inevitability.

 

VOLTAIRE

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

 

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

 

CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the

chicken?

 

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

What do you mean by chicken?

Could you define chicken, please?

 

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

[Bigjeeze]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back

and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that

there was no afterlife.

 

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true

to his word he made contact.

 

"Connie....Connie. ."

 

"Is that you, Joe?"

*

*"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"What's it like?"

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast,

off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have

sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex

pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have

sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

 

Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."

 

"Well, not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."*

 

:D

[Bigjeeze]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is

still alive," on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

 

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single

line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

 

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NASA. Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute, MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

 

 

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[Bigjeeze]

Corporate Lesson 1

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower. The doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and

runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door

neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop

that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and

stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and

leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When

she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob,

the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he

say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

 

Moral of

the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk

with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent

avoidable exposure.

 

 

 

 

 

Corporate Lesson #2:

 

A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing

her habit apart to reveal a shapely leg. The priest nearly had an

accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand onto her

thigh. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his

hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her thigh again. The

nun once again said, "Father, please remember Psalm 129!" The priest

apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent,

the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed

to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek further up, you will

find glory."

 

Moral of the

story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great

opportunity.

 

 

 

Corporate Lesson #3:

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to

lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes

out. The Genie says, "I normally grant three wishes, but as there are

three of you, I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"

says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,

without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says

the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my

personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my

life by my side." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the

manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after

lunch."

 

Moral of the story: Always let your

boss have the first say.

 

 

 

Corporate Lesson #4:

 

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow

answered:

 

"Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and

rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing all day, you must be

sitting very high up.

 

 

 

Corporate Lesson #5:

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the

top of that tree" sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're

packed with nutrients.." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found

that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached

the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly

perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot

the turkey out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story: Bullsh1t might get you to the top, but it won't keep

you there.

[greg_68]

A man is tired of his wife and decides to have her bumped off.

 

He meets the hitman in the local and over a pint they discuss the method of killling.

 

"Exaclty how do you do it" asks the husband.

 

"One shot just below the left breast works everytime" replies the hitman.

 

"I said I want her dead not kneecapped".

[mumof4]

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHGREG!!!!!!.....naughty boy.... :ph34r: ..If my hubby had me bumped off...id be shot in the stomach then!! :P :huh: ;) B)

[greg_68]

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.

 

He gives him the advice, "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blowjob. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!"

 

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?"

 

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

[greg_68]

At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.

 

Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner."

 

So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time.

 

As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool.

 

Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone.

 

So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you maam" and he's gone.

 

Wonder- Woman shreiks "What was that?"

 

And the invisible man cries "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore ass!!!"

[greg_68]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

 

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

 

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

 

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

 

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[greg_68]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Grumpy]

Jokes from Germany:-

 

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

 

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

 

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

 

What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.

 

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

 

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

 

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

 

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

 

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

 

 

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

 

"I say, I say - my dog's got no nose!"

"Your dog's got no nose? How does he smell?"

"He can't - he's got no nose"

 

"I say, I say - my wife's gone to the West Indies"

"Oh really? Jamaica?"

"No, Barbados"

 

A horse walked into a Berlin bar, and the barman said, "Will somebody get this f****g animal out of my bar???"

 

__________________________

 

A German, an Irishman and a Japanese were on a desert island.

 

They had an awful time, because they couldn't understand a word anybody said.

 

____________________________

 

A German on a desert island found a genie's magic lantern. He rubbed it, and the genie came out.

"What are your three wishes?" asked the genie.

"Wie bitte?" asked the German.

"What are your three wishes?"

"Ich kann nicht verstehen," said the German, and used it to make tea.

[mumof4]

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.

Minstrals Condoms - melt in your mouth , not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load..

Abbey national condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever ready condoms - keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - " for a longer ride go wide "

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms -so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work.

Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.

On digital condoms - plug and play !!!!

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long. :lol:

[gregers]

:)

[greg_68]

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "One nil."

 

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

 

a few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Goal - 1-1".

 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,"Penalty- 2-1."

 

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty - 2-2."

 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,"Free Kick - Goal, 3-2."

 

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed.

 

The wife says, What the hell was that?"

he old man says, "Half time, change sides"

[greg_68]

A dustman is going along the street picking up wheely bins. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so after a quick look, he knocks on the door. Eventually, a Japanese man answers..... "Harro", he says.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin having a sh*t" says the Japanese man looking a little sheepish.

"Mate", says the dustman ...."you're misunderstanding me ..where's your wheely bin?"

"OK, OK", says the Japanese guy now looking very guilty. "I wheely bin having a w*nk"

[mumof4]

:) :) :D

[bigdaddy]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

[bigdaddy]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,

[bigdaddy]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,

cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,

> steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

 

Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins 38

Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

[bigdaddy]

A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"

[mumof4]

:) :D :D :D :D :)