Tee Hee

[steve67car]

:) if some one is getting on your nerves this all ways works :huh:

I WOULD OFFER TO SLAP YOU

BUT $HIT SPLATTERS :)

[Masked Marauder]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about

[Jeff115]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks a student,

 

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

 

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

 

"That would be rude and impolite." said the teacher.

 

"What about you, Peter, how would you say it?"

 

"I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

 

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the dinner table."

 

"And you, Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

 

 

 

"Yes. I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to go and shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

 

The teacher fainted.

[steve67car]

"mummy do the have xmas decorations in vietnam" asks little girl

"no they dont ' why "came the reply

"cause the news man just said they are hanging glitter at christmas"returned the little girl

[johnb80]

A recipe for Making Love

 

Ingredients:

 

4 Laughing eyes

4 Well-shaped legs

4 Loving arms

2 Firm milk containers

2 Nuts

1 Fur-lined mixing bowl

1 Firm banana

 

 

Directions:

 

1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.

4 Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat 4 steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

 

Notes:

 

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.

3. If cake rises, leave town.

[johnb80]

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop. "Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender. "Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!" "Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?" "I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!" "Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?" "Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said......BAD DOG!"

[greg_68]

A guy is sitting on a train opposite this gorgeous bird with a short skirt and no knickers on.

 

He can't keep his eyes off her minge when all of a sudden it winks at him.

He sits there in disbelief as the lips then blow him a kiss.

 

Noticing his amazement at her pussy she invites him over to sit next to her.

 

"Do you like my incredble pussy" the girl asks?

 

"Too right" the guy replies.

 

"Would you like to insert two fingers up it" enquires the spreadeled legged woman.

 

"Jesus christ does it whistle as well" replies the man.

[greg_68]

Gary Glitters last request before the Vietnamese firing squad let rip is that his ashes be made into an etchasketch so the kids can carry on playing with him.

[greg_68]

Pub quiz time.

Can you name 5 kings that have made a significant change to mankind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

W**king

Sucking

F**king

Licking

and

Drinking.

[greg_68]

5 great tips for a good relationship

 

Find a woman who is great in bed and gives good head.

 

Find a woman who is great at cooking, cleaning and has a good job.

 

Find a woman who is great at making you laugh.

 

Find a woman who doesn't lie to you and you can trust.

 

But most important of all,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't let the four bitches ever meet.

[dave_m]

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?..............

he sold his soul to SANTA

 

 

Dyslexic raver...........

he took an F

 

 

dyslexic pimp

he bought a warehouse

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic chef who was found dead in the oven?

The recipe said to cook the roast.

 

dyslexic friend of mine died while very drunk............

he choked on his own VIMTO

[katman]

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been decidedly

over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home

they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone.

 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her

panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a

rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and

proceeded to wipe herself with that.

 

They then made off for home.

 

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said,

"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night

without her panties."

 

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between

the cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll

never forget you'."

[katman]

Male Logic

 

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who

should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor.

I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in

my custody."

 

The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in your

defense?"

 

 

The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor, if I

put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is

it...the machine's or mine?"

[katman]

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHTSTAND

 

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking

around, when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand

by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied,

snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all,"

she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping

to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she said.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

[greg_68]

I don't believe it!!!!!

 

The BBC have just anounced that Gary Glitter is going to be the new Doctor Who

 

He has insisted on 2 trusty sidekicks for the programme.

 

K9 and Stacey who is slightly older, being 11.

[katman]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

 

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

 

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get truly f*#%ed!

[katman]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some

olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

 

"No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

 

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

 

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

 

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

 

"No, what?" replied the man.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first".

[greg_68]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it

has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green

every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are

forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'." Soon, another man enters the

confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I

have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This

time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the

neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and

say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon

when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon

her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasps as the woman sits down with her legs

slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar

boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies,

"No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

[steve67car]

turns out george best was not buried in northern ireland but it seams there was a mistake made cremating him in hemel hempstead :angry:

[steve67car]

see all that smoke around hemel hempstead over the week end ;)

it seams the agm of galalhamrans tdi was held there but due to the cold spell they had there aux heaters on all at once :huh: B) :lol: :lol: B) :huh: :P :P :P

[Guest vr6galaxy]

turns out george best was not buried in northern ireland but it seams there was a mistake made cremating him in hemel hempstead :lol:

Now thats not funny, consider youself slapped :lol:

[steve67car]

:o sweet slap

[Guest vr6galaxy]

No worse than you deserve :o

[steve67car]

true and why aint you in bed dont you have a job to go to :o

[Guest vr6galaxy]

Nope done for the year :o