Guest topcarp2 Posted October 15, 2005 Report Posted October 15, 2005 Little Known Christmas FactNot long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?" And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. Quote
Guest topcarp2 Posted October 15, 2005 Report Posted October 15, 2005 Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!" Quote
Guest topcarp2 Posted October 15, 2005 Report Posted October 15, 2005 Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce, Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great hump, but you're a real sport too." And drives off. Quote
gregers Posted October 15, 2005 Report Posted October 15, 2005 the last 1 :lol: ;) :P keep em coming Quote
Guest topcarp2 Posted October 17, 2005 Report Posted October 17, 2005 St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of forty Scousers all wanting to get into heaven. St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all, and asks them to wait while he goes off to ask God to tell him which ones he should let in. "Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven," says God. Ten minutes later Peter comes running back to God, out of breath. "They're gone!" he exclaims. "What, all forty?" says God. "Not the Scousers," says Peter. "The bloody gates...!" No offense lads Quote
Guest vr6galaxy Posted October 17, 2005 Report Posted October 17, 2005 a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence wasonly broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through adustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise....... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the Driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into hisroad. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the boxapproached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape moreclearly....It was a coffin. not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and startedwalking briskly home. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walkingfaster......... BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP.. BUMP........BUMP...... The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but heheard the coffin speed up after him...... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ....... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was onlyseconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived insideslamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, andslumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way throughthe front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffinallowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued itschase..... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs couldtake him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing andlaunched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, thebathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the youngterrified lad. BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at thecoffin.......still it came ........ BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ....still itcame......BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped. Quote
Guest vr6galaxy Posted October 17, 2005 Report Posted October 17, 2005 DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," says David. "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice." replies David Quote
Ogben Schmutzel Posted October 17, 2005 Report Posted October 17, 2005 Bloke runs out of petrol, gets his empty petrol can out the boot and walks to the nearest garage. Walk's in and says to the assistant 'Cana BP'. Assistant looks at him and say 'Dunno, but a fish can fart I've seen the bubbles'! Quote
Guest topcarp2 Posted October 17, 2005 Report Posted October 17, 2005 Q. whats the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives shelter?A. the dishes if she knows whats good for her Q.why do fags like ribbed condoms?A.better traction in the mud Q how do you know when its time to wash the dishes and clean the house?A.look inside your pants; if you have a p*nis, its not time Quote
Guest vr6galaxy Posted October 17, 2005 Report Posted October 17, 2005 ok I'm going to really lower the tone................ :blink: If men were agony aunts........................ Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me. A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one. A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten To cook him a nice meal. Quote
gregers Posted October 18, 2005 Report Posted October 18, 2005 are they jokes vr6,more like statements in my house :lol: :lol: :lol: somehow i wonder how many are brave enough to try it? ;) go on lads give it a go,me im not brave enough Quote
sip Posted October 18, 2005 Report Posted October 18, 2005 Not a joke... funny nontheless 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good, either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I would explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we'll look back on all of this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are few personal problems that can't be solved by the suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed, looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!" 12. My reality check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don't suffer from stress; I'm a carrier. 15. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through a puddle of peanut butter. 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 17. Everyone is someone else's weirdo. Quote
gregers Posted October 19, 2005 Report Posted October 19, 2005 hows this for a put down i was in tescos last night and saw something that i thought had your name on itthen realized it said THICK CUT Quote
marty16610 Posted October 19, 2005 Report Posted October 19, 2005 Bill and Ben laying in bed. "flob-a dob" says Bill. "Hurry up and f**king swallow it" says Ben. Quote
Ronnie W. Posted October 21, 2005 Author Report Posted October 21, 2005 Jake is dying... His wife, Ruth, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Ruth my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Ruth," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Ruth, "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no I must die in peace. Ruth, I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one," whispered Ruth, "let the poison work." Quote
justme Posted October 22, 2005 Report Posted October 22, 2005 A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dressparty.He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so hewrites to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spottedhandkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you willbe just right as a Pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because theyemphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A weekpasses and he received another parcel. Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit.Thelong robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you willreally look the part. The man is extremely furious now, because thecompany has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his baldhead.So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with anaccompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of GoldenSyrup.Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden legup your arse and go as a f***ing toffee apple. Quote
paulmpaciorek Posted October 22, 2005 Report Posted October 22, 2005 ...in memory of the late great Ronnie Barker..... This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. RonnieBarker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows howmany takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed ofdelivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try gettingthrough it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting yourpants] as you read ... --------------------------------------------------------This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.> Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.> Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She> turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with> six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks>> The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight>otherwise,> there would be a cucking falamity.>> At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when> suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said>> Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping>> her slass glipper.>> The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door>and> the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg>> and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome>hince.> "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the> stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both>the> sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.>> Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a> knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge> halls and a hig bard on.>> He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking> ferfectly.>> Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince> lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a> follen swanny.>> Quote
gregers Posted October 22, 2005 Report Posted October 22, 2005 :lol: :lol: :lol: ABSOLUTE CLASS :lol: :lol: Quote
greg_68 Posted November 1, 2005 Report Posted November 1, 2005 George Best Update. This morning's daily meeting with his Doctor. The Doctor has told George he has some good news and bad news, "The bad news is you only have an hour to live" "Jesus" says George "what the f**k is the good news" "It's happy hour" replies the Doc. Quote
paulmpaciorek Posted November 2, 2005 Report Posted November 2, 2005 Subject: : Difference between Potentially and Realistically.. A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars", and then, ask your brother "if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great U niversity!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!" The boy then went to his brother! and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but realistically,...... we're living with two sluts and a queer" :unsure: Quote
paulmpaciorek Posted November 4, 2005 Report Posted November 4, 2005 A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in>heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.>>He asks the first nun Sister Karen, "Have you ever had any contact with>a penis???">>The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of One with>the tip of my finger." St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in>the holy water and pass through the gate.">>>St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you>ever had any contact with a penis? The nun is a little reluctant but>replies, "Well I once fondled and stroked one." St Peter says, "OK, dip>your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.">>All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of>nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.>When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says, "Sister,>Sister what seems to be the rush???">>>The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want>to go before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!!!"> Quote
paulmpaciorek Posted November 4, 2005 Report Posted November 4, 2005 A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home. Quote
greg_68 Posted November 16, 2005 Report Posted November 16, 2005 The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield. Quote
greg_68 Posted November 17, 2005 Report Posted November 17, 2005 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.""Onions?""Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies'are there?"The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.""A Christmas tree?""Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!" Quote
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