Tee Hee

[Guest topcarp2]

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After attending the funeral of a Welsh mouse killed by an eighty year

old lady with a broom, three mice, one from England, one from Scotland

and one from Ireland, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other

with how tough they are.

 

The English mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass

onto the bar, turns to the Scottish mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap,

I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down,

I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and

then make off with the cheese."

 

The Scottish mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one

after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the English

mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I

can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee

each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

 

The English mouse and the Scottish mouse then turn to the Irish mouse.

The Irish mouse finishes the Guinness he has in front of him, lets out

a long sigh and says to the two.....

 

 

"I don't have time for this bullshit, I 'm going home to sh@g the cat."

[Guest topcarp2]

A man appears before the pearly gates.

 

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

 

"Well, I can think of one thing...." the man offers. "Once, I came

upon a

gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young

woman. I

directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I

approached

the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the

head,

kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the

ground

and told him, Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.' "

 

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

 

"Couple of minutes ago."

[Guest topcarp2]

A teacher asked the visiting Prime Minister, Tony Blair, if he would like to lead a discussion on the word "tragedy."

 

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."

 

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

 

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

 

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

 

"I'm afraid not," explained the PM. "That's what we would call a great loss."

 

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room.

 

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

 

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

 

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

 

"Well," said the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Guest topcarp2]

Q.whats difference between a toilet and a woman....

A.you dont have to hug a toilet when youve used it

[Guest topcarp2]

A bloke pulls up outside a shop in Basildon and steps out of his brand new Daimler, he's about to walk into the shop when a few youths approach him, the leader points to the car and says "Look after your car for you mister, only cost you a fiver" the man laughs and replies "No thanks, Bruno's more than capable cheers" the kid peers through the window and sees a Rotty looking back snarling menacingly, he turns to the man and enquires "Nice dog mate, is he any good with a fire extinguisher

[Guest topcarp2]

why does michael jackson like 28yr olds?.

cos there's 20 of em !!!

 

why aint there no ash trays in michael barrimore's house...

cos he puts his fags out in the pool

[Guest topcarp2]

whats dog turds and women got in common

the older they are the easier it is to pick em up

 

 

 

 

 

 

The priest in a small Irish village very fond of the chickens that he kept, in a hen house behind the parish house. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning. At mass he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, no that wasn't what I meant." He said "Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up. "No No" He retorted "That wasn't what I meant, Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up. "No, No" He said again, shaking his head "That wasn't what I meant at all, now PLEASE pay attention, Has anybody seen my cock?"

 

 

All the nuns, three alter boys, two priests and a goat all stood up.

[gregers]

wot must you never say in a gay bar............can i push your stool in for you

[gregers]

3 women from the same family grandmother,mother,daughter.

daughter charges

[Guest topcarp2]

a woman goes into a petshop to buy a parrot..the shop owner tells her that he's got one and its very cheap because it used to live in a brothel.he tells her it dont swear and aint rude so she buys it

she takes it home and sets it up in a new cage and is very proud of her new pet...she then goes out shopping and when she returns and walks thru the door the parrot shouts

 

"new house,,new madam"

 

she dont think anything of what the parrot said and a little later in the day her two daughters arrive home from school,as they walk thru the door the parrot shouts

 

 

"new house,,new madam,,new girls"

 

she dont understand all this and later that evening her husband walks thru the door and the parrot shouts

 

"new house,,new madam,,new girls,,hello charlie"

[Guest topcarp2]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play

together.

One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and

began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken

to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to

no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running

around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.

Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope,

hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the

chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop

of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear

bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then

drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the

horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse,

and the farmer was

none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies,

best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon,

he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The

horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he

told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the

pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,

saving his life.

 

The moral of the story?

 

 

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up

chicks.

[Guest topcarp2]

IN A CROWDED BAR.....

 

MAN - HELLO DARLING, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WOMAN - IT'S CARMEN.

MAN - THAT'S QUITE AN UNUSUAL NAME ISNT IT?

WOMAN - YES, IT'S BECAUSE I LIKE CARS AND MEN, CAR...MEN. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MAN - BEERC*NT!!

[Guest topcarp2]

What is the definition of confusion?

 

Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market

[Guest topcarp2]

Rover have announced 2 new models.

 

 

 

The P45 and the P60.

[Guest topcarp2]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

 

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

 

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

 

"I don't remember much after that!"

[Guest topcarp2]

Two tourist travelling through wales and they stop for lunch in llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrowllllantysiliogogogoch.

 

 

 

As the waitress came over to take their order they asked if she could do them a favour. "Before you take our food order could you please pronounce where we are very slowly" they asked.

 

The waitress replied ... Buuuuuurrrrgggggggggeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrkiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg

[MatTdi]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices

that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil

dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops

at the first gas station.

 

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around

town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona,

decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a

big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,

he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

 

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks

the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and

says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

 

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[Guest topcarp2]

Kylie, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking through Elton's estate one damp afternoon. Kylie slipped and got her head stuck in some railings and squealed, 'help, Robbie do something'.

So Robbie does, he whips his trousers down, rips Kylie's knickers off and gives her a good rogering.

When he finished he turned to Elton and said, 'righto, it's your turn'.

At that, Elton bursts into tears.

Confused, Robbie asks 'what's wrong'?

Elton replies,' sob, I know it's my turn but me head's too big to fit in the railings'.

[Guest MATT]

lol

[Guest topcarp2]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

 

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

 

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

 

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

 

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

 

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

 

The pharmacist fainted

[Masked Marauder]

Anyone else noticed how jokes for Americans always have to have a "full stop" line after the punch line so they know when to laugh? The example above is classic, in this case "The pharmacist fainted" It regularly is someone fainting, but there is another above about a golfer.

 

When told in the UK it simply ends "I lifted the cows tail and said to the wife, "This looks like yours!"" The US version has another line tagged on "I don't remember very much after that!"

 

So whats funny, The fact he can't remember much? Or the joke about the cows flange?

[johnb80]

Lads keep it clean this is a non restrict veiwing site! meaning anyone of an age who can operate a computer and get access to a web site can read this stuff! including your children :D

And your keep it clean explanation of your AVATAR is ????? :(

 

What self respecting kid would go on this forum ? :(

[marty16610]

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? The prostitute washes her crack and sells it again :lol:

[Ronnie W.]

If you could do with a good laugh, read through these Children's

>> Science Exam Answers. These are REAL answers given by children, and

>> particularly those of who are parents can recognize how easily the

>> answers came!

>>

>> Q: Name the four seasons.

>> A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

>>

>> Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to

>> drink.

>> A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

>> pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

>>

>> Q: How is dew formed?

>> A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

>>

>> Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

>> A: Keep it in the cow.

>>

>> Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

>> A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water

>> tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the

>> moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this

>> fight.

>>

>> Q: What are steroids?

>> A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

>>

>> Q: What happens to your body as you age?

>> A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

>>

>> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

>> A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

>>

>> Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

>> A: Premature death.

>>

>> Q: What is artificial insemination?

>> A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. (Not sure

>> this one is right / wrong or wrong / right)

>>

>> Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

>> A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax

>> and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax

>> contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the

>> five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

>>

>> Q: What is the fibula?

>> A: A small lie.

>> Q: What does "varicose" mean?

>> A: Nearby.

>>

>> Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"

>> A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

>>

>> Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

>> A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (My favorite)

>>

[Guest topcarp2]

following a shipwreck darren daisy and david got washed up on a desert island..after 2 years of doing what comes naturally daisy is so full of guilt after having sex with both the lads she kills herself..tough luck but what the hell life must go on and david and darren carry on doing what comes naturally..6 months later david and darren can no longer stand the guilt of what they are doing...so they bury the bitch