Tee Hee

[Bigjeeze]

Top 20 Reasons why Fishing is better than sex:

 

20 - No matter how much whiskey you have, you can still fish.

 

19 - A limp rod is still useful while fishing.

 

18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

 

17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

 

16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.

 

15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

 

14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.

 

13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

 

12 - When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

 

11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

 

10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish by yourself.

 

9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

 

8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy Fishing stuff.

 

7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite co-workers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

 

6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

 

5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

 

4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

 

3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

 

2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favourite activity.

 

1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just fished last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?

[Bigjeeze]

A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the dfference

between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your

mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.

Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with

Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied: "Of course I

would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his older sister and said: "Would you sleep with

Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied "Oh gosh!! I would

just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that

opportunity!!".

 

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his

dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between

potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million

dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

 

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

[Bigjeeze]

If you were a company called Powergen and you had a subsidiary that

operated in Italy, what would you call that company's website?

........... ..............

...................

...............

....................

....................

............

..............

..................

..................

...............................

...................

Probably not http://www.powergenitalia.com

 

............

...................

...................

But they did.

[Bigjeeze]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

 

 

 

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

 

 

 

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

 

 

 

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

 

 

 

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

 

 

 

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

 

 

 

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

 

 

 

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

 

 

 

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says...."No sister, this says the 'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months"

[Bigjeeze]

Bird Flu??? Do you know where your family are?

[Bigjeeze]

This seems like a good place to catch a train - makes you think about that brief encounter!!

[mumof4]

Now that sign is a corker!! :lol: :lol: :)

[Bigjeeze]

"Well, Father Dougan said I must turn the other cheek"

[mumof4]

oh my......new meaning to split ar se my hubby said! :lol:

[Masked Marauder]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were in bed.

 

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

 

I said "What was that?"

 

So she said the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

 

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the checkout."

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

 

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least I am one up one her!

[bigdaddy]

:angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry:

 

 

 

MM,,,,,,,,no sex to tonight,,,,,probably the rest of the year,,,,,,,,, :angry:

[Bigjeeze]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to

lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes

out. The Genie says, "I normally grant three wishes, but as there are

three of you, I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"

says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,

without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says

the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my

personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my

life by my side." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the

manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after

lunch."

 

Moral of the story: Always let your

boss have the first say.

[Bigjeeze]

Tony Blair & David Blunkett were having a drink in a quiet country pub, a local approaches them from the bar, he walks up to them and looks under the tail of Blunketts dog, then walks off again

 

What was that about asked Blair?

 

10 mins later another local walks up to them, lifts the tail of Blunketts dog to have a look and then walks off

 

"This is very strange" say's Blair

 

Sure enough a short time later another local local walks up to them, lifts the tail of Blunketts dog and Blair say's "excuse me but can I ask what you're doing - you're the third person that's come over here and looked under the tail of this dog?"

 

"Well" say's the local "There's a guy in the bar telling people that there's a dog in the lounge with two arseholes!!"

[Bigjeeze]

A mother passing by her daughter

[Bigjeeze]

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven. "Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

 

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major flaws in your invention.

 

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

 

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

 

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

 

4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.

 

And finally,

 

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

 

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

 

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Bigjeeze]

I have never seen Air bags deployed in this fashion before!!!

[Bigjeeze]

Olny srmat poelpe can.

 

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht

I was rdanieg. The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a

rscheearch at Cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the

ltteers in a wrod are, the olny

iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be

in the rghit pclae. The

rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it

wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is

bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a

wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling

was ipmorantt!

[Guest vr6174bhp]

http://www.innsport.com/LiftTrainerInteractiveLearning/images/people%20sleeping%20in%20class.jpg

 

Wake me when we get to the newer ones, preferably ones from this century :D

[Bigjeeze]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Bigjeeze]

As I am sure you will agree, what with absolutely everything in the

 

lounge having its own separate remote control nowadays, the DVD, the

 

VCR, the TV, The stereo, etc. finding the right one (or finding any of

 

them at all for that matter) can be a nightmare.

 

I have therefore redesigned the conventional remote, and come up with

 

a design which responds to your voice commands, is attractively

 

packaged and feels good in your hands

[gregers]

now thats what i call a remote tidy :D

[Busman]

Latest trainers are in the shops, Ther called Nikes for Dykes,they come with extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger.

[Bigjeeze]

A man takes the day off work and

decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he

notices a frog sitting next to

the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is

 

about to shoot when he

 

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

 

The man looks around and doesn't

 

see anyone. Again, he

hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" He looks

at the frog and decides to

 

prove the frog wrong, puts the

club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

 

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the

 

cup. He is shocked. He says

to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

 

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

 

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog

with him to the next hole.

 

"What do you think frog?" the

 

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

 

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,

Boom! Hole in one. The

 

man is befuddled and doesn't know

 

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

 

best game of golf in his life and

asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

 

 

" They go to Las Vegas

and the guy says, "OK frog, now

what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon

approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit

$3000, black 6.."

 

Now, this is a

million-to-one shot to win, but

after the golf game the man

 

figures what the heck.

 

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

 

The man takes his winnings and

buys the best room in the

hotel. He sits the frog down and

says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.

You've won me all this money and

I am forever grateful."

 

The frog replies,

 

"Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not,

 

since after all the frog did for

him, he deserves it. With a

kiss, the frog turns into a

gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

 

your honour, is how the girl

 

ended up in my room. So help me God

 

 

or my name is not Gary Glitter."

[steve67car]

english scots and irish man in a police line up for a rape charge

as the young lady enters the id parade the paddy shouts out

THATS THE FUC*ING COW THAT WOULD NOT PUT IT OUT

:lol:

[GSMGuy]

This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

 

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

 

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

 

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?

Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

 

Presenterand others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

 

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

 

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

 

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

 

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

 

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

 

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

 

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.

 

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the a$$ !

 

 

Radio Silence