Tee Hee

[johnb80]

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

 

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

 

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

10) I did not object to the object.

 

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

 

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

 

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) It only took a minute to remove the minute speck of dust from his eye.

[johnb80]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN.

 

1) Take off clothing and place in laundry basket.

2) Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, if seen by husband along the way, cover any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.

3) Look at body in mirror

[johnb80]

Society's Burning Questions

 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

 

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,"Quit while you're ahead?"

 

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

 

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

 

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

 

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

 

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

 

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

 

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

Clones are people two.

 

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

 

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

 

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

 

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

 

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

 

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

 

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

[johnb80]

The big and the small

 

A well heeled businessman is driving around his home town one day in his prized silver BMW and pulls up to a set of traffic lights just as they turn red.

 

Seconds later a Mini pulls up next to him.

 

Both he and the Mini driver exchange glances.

 

The businessman looks down his nose at the little red car, which doesn't go un-noticed by the Mini driver.

 

So as they both wait for the lights to turn green, the Beemer man presses a button and lowers his electric window, watching it as it smoothly lowers itself into the body of the door.

 

He is a little surprised to see the Mini driver look up at him and presses a button in his little car. His window also lowers itself electrically.

 

The businessman counters by pressing another button in the BMW. The roof slowly peels back and disappears into a compartment at the back of the car.

 

"Beat that," he thinks and looks down at the little Mini with a smirk.

 

To his annoyance, the Mini driver presses a button in his car, and his roof slowly peels back and conceals itself away in it's own little compartment just as smoothly as it did in the BMW.

 

The business guy can't believe it and is now well and truly hacked off.

 

As he glares down into the Mini, desperately thinking of something else to press, the Mini driver hits another button on his dashboard. The passenger seat and rear seats in the wee car fold away and upside down to turn into a luxury bed, complete with duvet, pillows, a headboard and even a little bedside cabinet on which rests a brightly shining reading lamp.

 

The lights turn green and the Mini speeds off. The Businessman sits motionless for several moments. He is gutted.

 

When he has re-gathered his composure, he drives straight to his BMW dealer. He relays the details and insists that he have the same things installed in his car, no matter what the cost.

 

Despite BMW's protestations and some $10,000 worse off, a week later he is back in his BMW, bed, and all ... plus some.

 

He is determined to find the Mini owner and show it to him. So he spends all day driving around and around and as night falls is about to give up, when he finally sees the little red car parked up in a lay-by.

As he quietly motors nearer he can see that all the windows are all steamed up.

 

"Perfect," he thinks to himself.

 

He drives up alongside the little car and lowers his window. He leans out and taps on the Mini's window ... and waits.

 

Nothing.

 

He taps again, a bit louder this time and hoots his horn.

 

Still nothing.

 

So he bangs on the window and leans on his horn and screams out: "COME ON OUT, YOU LITTLE SH*T ... STOP YOUR S**ING ... I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU."

 

Finally, the Mini's window lowers and out pops the driver's head, all covered in sweat.

 

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" shouts the Mini driver.

 

"Look at this," the business guy replies. He presses his shiny new button and watches with great pleasure as all the seats in the BMW fold away and turn into a luxury bed. The sheets and duvet are exposed as is the headboard, bedside table and reading lamp. In addition there is a coffee percolator, a telephone, TV, VCR and DVD player plus stereo system with a 10 stack CD shuttle. All snap neatly into position. He knows that everything is just that little bit bigger and better than the one in the Mini.

 

"Well what do you think of all this then?" he asks smugly.

 

The Mini driver looks at him in disgust: "You got me out of the shower just to show me that?"

[johnb80]

The Rules

 

We always hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are "The Rules" from the male side. Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

 

1. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

 

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

 

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

 

1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

 

1. Most guys own 3 pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with your dress?

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly good answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 

1. Check your oil! Please.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

1. If you don't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. we refuse to answer.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

 

1. The relationship is never going to be like the first 2 months we were going out. Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying but it's not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking unless you want to discuss such topics as Navel fluff, football or Sci-fi.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where dialog doesn't matter).

 

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

 

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

 

Thank you for reading this, yes, I know I have to sleep on the sofa tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, its like camping.

[johnb80]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court.

 

They are things people actually said in court, word

for word, taken down and now published by court

reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while

these exchange were actually taking place. Some of

these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

 

====

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

===

Q: What gear were you in at the

moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

====

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory

at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something

that you've forgotten?

====

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember

which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

====

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you

when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

====

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved

in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

====

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies

in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next

morning?

====

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is

he?

====

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

====

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August

8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

====

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

====

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

====

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q : Was this a male, or a female?

====

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

====

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

====

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school

did you go to?

A: Oral.

====

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at he time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was

doing an autopsy.

====

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

====

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive

when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never

the less?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

and practising law somewhere.

 

A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road".

 

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".

 

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

Four fonts walk into a bar.

The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

 

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So

he gave her one.

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to

the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

 

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light

on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But

he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself,

and there were people in the shed, stealing things.

 

He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so

no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up,

counted to 30 and rang the police again.

 

"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people

in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just

shot them all."

 

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area,

an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the

burglars - ed.

 

One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

 

He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!"

[johnb80]

WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL PITCHES

 

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

 

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

 

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

 

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

 

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

 

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

 

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley (sadly our ex-National ground), also never mention pitches previously visited.

 

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

 

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner.

 

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

 

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

 

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.

 

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

 

14. It is illegal to play on small, un-turfed pitches.

 

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

 

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

 

17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don?t get hosed down as often as they should.

 

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

 

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

 

20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.

 

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

 

22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.

 

23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn?t had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.

[Guest Crusher]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts". She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When It was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." ''That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

 

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."

[Guest Crusher]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and

places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up

and asks what's in the bag.

 

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about

one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back

into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter

as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano

bench, which he places in front of the piano.

 

The little man sits down at the piano and ! starts playing a

beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the

bartender.

 

 

 

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a

magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

 

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a

beautif! ul genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just

one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!"

 

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a

million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into

the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks

and they keep coming!

 

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think

your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,

not a million ducks."

 

"Tell me about it!!" says the man,

"do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[Guest Crusher]

Another man walks into the same bar - he sits down and orders a drink.

 

The barman gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

 

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look grrrrreat tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic... and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

 

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.

 

"You're a TOTAL IDIOT... My God you STINK... Do you know, you're almost AS UGLY AS YOUR MOTHER!"

 

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation.

 

"Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

[Guest Crusher]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parent

to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their

stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat

of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying

and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,

but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this

story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

That was a fine story Sarah.

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a

flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of

whisky, a machine gun and a machete. ! She drank the whiskey on the way down

so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy

troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of

bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your

daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.

[Guest Gurugal]

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my d1ck,

[johnb80]

THE OLD COUPLE

 

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there's a couple who've been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked up to the counter, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of chips and one drink.

 

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the chips, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

 

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the man began to eat his chips, one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

 

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

 

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

 

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Excuse me, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you're waiting for?"

 

She answered,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The teeth."

[johnb80]

TRAIN TICKETS

 

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the Super Bowl.

 

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

 

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

 

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

 

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

 

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

 

He knocks on the toilet door and says,"Ticket, please."

 

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

 

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

 

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

 

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

 

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

 

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

 

The woman knocks on their door and says,

 

"Ticket, please."

 

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women

[johnb80]

TRUE BRITISH NEWS.....

 

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas

bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree that it was rather high

for the time of year. It's possible that Mr. Purdey has been charged for the

gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

 

2) Irish police are being handicapped in their search for a stolen van,

because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and

they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

 

3) A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was

rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman

commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

(The Times)

 

4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and

asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry but he

didn't have a gauge with him. If it was any help, however, he said that the

wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

 

5) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with

her reminiscences about the German prisoner of war, who was sent each week

to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He

always seemed a nice friendly chap but, when the crocuses came up in the

middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo).

[johnb80]

VISITOR TO HELL

 

A man who was very good while on earth had died, and as expected, went to heaven, where he had spent the last thousand years enjoying eternity.

 

One day, he became annoyed and bored, and he said to God, "God, I would like you to allow me to visit Hell for a night to see what I am missing."

 

God in His goodness replied, "Thy will be done."

 

The man left that night for Hell.

 

He went up a beautiful marble staircase until he reached a splendid gate. The gate opened with great spectacle and brilliant lights all around.

 

He entered a veritable Garden of Eden - graced with rivers of 18-year old whiskey and blessed with the most beautiful women he had ever seen.

 

He spent the most wonderful night of his entire existence, and he returned to Heaven early in the morning.

 

Later, he spoke to God again and declared his wish to move to Hell forever. God accepted once again.

 

His affairs in order, within one week he was on the way to Hell again.

 

He went up the same stairs again, and the great gate opened - but this time he was cast into a pile of burning sulphur and Satan poked him with his trident.

 

With great effort, the man managed to reach a spot where he stuck his head out of the flames and was able to talk to Satan.

 

He looked at Satan seated on his throne and said, "What is this all about? I was here just last week and everything was marvellous."

 

And Satan answered, "Ah, yes. But tourism is one thing and immigration is something else!"

[johnb80]

WABBITS

 

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

 

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[Guest Crusher]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

 

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,

Inspector", says the Coroner.

 

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

 

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.

David Beckham from England, 30, struck by lightning."

 

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

[Guest Crusher]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night!"

 

 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[mumof4]

:( :( Brilliant.

[Guest Gurugal]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

 

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

 

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

 

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

 

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

 

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

 

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

 

"Did it not work?"

 

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

 

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

 

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[Guest Gurugal]

A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."

 

The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.

 

"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.

 

"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.

 

His wife asked him, "What is it then?"

 

He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

[Guest Gurugal]

A guy goes over to his fiends house and rings the bell his wife answers.

 

"Hi, is Tony home?"

 

"No, he went to the store."

 

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

 

"No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest body I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see you naked.

 

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She removes her robe and shows him herself. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

 

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "your are so beautiful I've got to have sex with you. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just have sex with you.

 

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell removes her robe and gives the time of his life. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[Guest Gurugal]

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

 

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

 

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

 

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

 

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

 

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

 

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

 

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

 

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

[Guest Gurugal]

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

 

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

 

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have inter-course," and charged them $50.

 

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

 

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

 

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"