Tee Hee

[johnb80]

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish

Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage

nearby so he went up to it and knocked on the door.

The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.

 

"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend

the night?"

 

"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail

yourself of our world famous hospitality."

 

The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence.

 

"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen,

and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared.

"Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to

uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."

 

The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the

girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality

to the guest.

 

"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and

milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full

advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

 

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller

set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on

the floor and was on the job.

 

Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He

took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple

with rage.

 

He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave

verbal vent to his wrath.

 

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared,

"Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the

cold floor."

[johnb80]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the engine of a car

belonging to a heart surgeon. The mechanic invited the surgeon to take a

look at the work: "So doctor, look at this here. I also open hearts, take

valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as

a new one. So how come you get the big money, when both of us are doing

basically the same work?"

 

Calmly, the surgeon replies: "Try doing it with the engine running."

[johnb80]

A Prayer For The Stressed

 

Grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work

[johnb80]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital, when during her tour of floors, she passed a room where a male patient was wanking. "Oh my GOD!" said the lady. "That's disgraceful; why is he doing that?" The doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes." "Oh, that's terrible," said the lady.

 

In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing a blow job on a different male patient. "OH my GOD!" said the lady, "How can that be justified?"

 

The doctor replied, "Same illness,but this patients in BUPA."

[johnb80]

The fireman had rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young

lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He had

carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs.

As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him with great

admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must have taken great

strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen

who were trying to get to you."

[johnb80]

BOILED FRUIT CAKE RECIPE

 

INGREDIENTS.

1 cup of butter, 1 cup of sugar, 1 cup of mixed dried fruit, 1 cup of water, 4 large eggs, 1 tablespoon brown sugar, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 50g walnuts, lemon juice, 1 bottle of whisky, (wine may be substituted)

 

METHOD:-

 

PLACE DRIED FRUIT, WATER AND HALF CUP OF SUGAR IN SMALL SAUCE PAN AND BOIL FOR 15mins,

POUR WHISKY INTO SHOT GLASS; SAMPLE TO CHECK QUALITY.

GET LARGE MIXING BOWL.

 

CHECK WHISKY AGAIN. POUR 1 LEVEL CUP AND DRINK.

REPEAT PREVIOUS STEP.

 

TURN ON ELECTRIC MIXER AND BEAT BUTTER IN A LARGE FLUFFY BOWL.

 

ADD 1 TEASPOON OF BAKING SODA. ADD HALF A CUP OF SUGAR AND BEAT AGAIN.

 

RESHAMPLE WHISKY TO MAKE SURE IT'S SHTILL WHISKY.

 

TURN OFF THE MIXER.BREAK TWO LEGGS, ADD TO BOWL.

 

CHUCK IN FRIED DRUIT. MIX ON THE TURNER.

 

IF FRUIT GETS STUCK IN THE BEATERS, PRY LOOSE WITH A DREWSCRIVER.

 

SHAMPLE WHISKY TO CHECK TONSISICITY.

 

NEXT SIFT TWO CUPS OF SALT OR SOMETHING, WHO CARE'S WHAT?

 

CHECK THE WHISKY!

 

NOW SIFT THE LEMON JUICE AND STRAIN YOUR NUTS.

 

ADD 1 BABBLESPOON OF BROWN SUGAR, OR WHICHEVER COLOUR YOU CAN FIND.

 

WIX MELL.

 

GREASE THE OVEN, TURN PAN CAKE TO 350 GREDEEDLES.

 

DON'T FORGET TO BEAT OFF THE TURNER.

 

POUR MIX INTO CAKE PAN AND OVER BENCH, THROW BOWL OUT THE WINDOW.

STAGGER TO LAUNDRY. PUT PAN CAKE IN OVEN. SET TO HOT RINSE.

 

CONTINUE SHAMPLING WHISKY TILL BOTTLE IS EMPTY.

BO TO GED !!!

[johnb80]

Chong calls in to work one morning and says, "Hey, boss I not come work

today. I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I not

come work."

 

The boss says, "You know, Chong, I really need you today. When I feel like

this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better

and I can go to work. You should try that."

 

Two hours later Chong calls, "Boss, I did what you say and I feel great, I

be at work soon.

 

You got nice house."

[johnb80]

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

******************************

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

*****************************

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

********************************

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

********************************

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. They got it!!

 

One chalk mark $ 1

Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

 

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

*********************************

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

 

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

********************************

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

**********************************

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

 

Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight

**********************************

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

Comprehending Engineers-Take Nine

*********************************

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both???"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

 

Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten

**********************************

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over,picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eleven

**********************************

 

A beautiful blond was laying on a bed in a large room.

Surrounding the bed, exactly 6ft away were :

A mathematician, an accountant and an engineer.

They were each told that they could take turns to approach the blond and help themselves, but after taking the first step each subsequent step must be half the previous one.

The mathematician calculated that he could never reach the blond as it would take an infinite number of steps, each getting smaller each time, and gave up.

The accountant decided it would not be economical on shoe leather , and gave up.

The engineer said' I'll take the biggest step I can for starters , and soon I will be near enough to do what I want.

[johnb80]

Confucius say... Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand

Confucius say... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius say... Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say... He who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

 

Confucius say... Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak

Confucius say... Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say... Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Confucius say.... Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

 

Confucius say... Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say... Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say... He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Confucius say... Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger

 

Confucius say... Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Confucius say... Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius say... Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!

Confucius say... It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it

Confucius say... Man who live in glass house should change in basement.

[johnb80]

PREPARE TO MEET THY GOD

evening dress optional

 

GET THE ABBEY HABIT

go to bed with a monk

 

WHERE WILL YOU BE ON THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT?

still here, waiting for a number 95 bus

 

LECTURE THIS EVENING ON SCHIZOPHRENIA

i've half a mind to go

 

HANDEL'S ORGAN WORKS

so does mine

 

HOME RULE FOR WALES

and Moby Dick for King

 

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE GOING BALD

prepare to meet thy dome

 

British Airways Ad.

BREAKFAST IN LONDON, LUNCH IN NEW YORK

luggage in Bermuda

 

JESUS SAVES

he's the only one who can afford to

 

FREE WALES

with every five gallons

 

KEEP BRITAIN TIDY

kill a tourist

 

WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN GOD COMES TO LEEDS

switch Kewell to inside left

 

Outside a School ...

 

DRIVE CAREFULLY. DON'T KILL A CHILD

wait for a teacher

[johnb80]

Harry starts his new job at a South African zoo and he is given three tasks, the first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

 

Harry starts on this when suddenly a great fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death. Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the fish to the lions. Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. Harry gets stuck in and a couple of chimps start throwing mud at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South African bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do, feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything.

 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo, it wanders up to another lion and asks 'what's the food like here?' the other lion responds, "Absolutely brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees!"

[johnb80]

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's

[johnb80]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like

he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a

sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised

and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?"

asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had

a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't

do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,

and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean,"you should have defended yourself,

didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,

and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[johnb80]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling

home from the pub late one night and found themselves

on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael

O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the

ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean,"here's one named Patrick

O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a

fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy? Shamus stumbles

around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what

else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

[johnb80]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is

driving home from the city one night and, of course,

his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the

driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite

a few to drink this evening".

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and

folding his arms across his chest, "that a few

intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute

there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[johnb80]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday

morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My

husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,

Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father.."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."

[johnb80]

KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST:

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are

no longer interested?

STUDENT: A teacher

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Because of the sign.

 

TEACHER: What sign

STUDENT: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

 

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication ON the

floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

 

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

 

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

 

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

 

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't

have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!

 

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

 

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "My Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

 

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry

tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't

punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

 

TEACHER: Sam, tell me honestly, do you say prayers before eating?

SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

 

TEACHER: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as

your brother's. Did you copy his?

JOHNNY: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

 

JOHNNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

JOHNNY: Your name on this report card.

 

A sign in the toilets warned:

 

WET FLOOR

 

... and underneath it was written in felt tip:

 

This is not an instruction!

[johnb80]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

 

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

 

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

 

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

 

So up they went.

 

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

 

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow,"said the women, "Very tempting."

But there was another floor, so further up they went.

 

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.

 

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are just impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs.

[johnb80]

Men 'v' Women

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it to you.

 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

 

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

 

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

 

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

 

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

 

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to

[johnb80]

LOVE MATHS

smart man + smart woman = romance

 

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

 

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

 

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 

SHOPPING MATHS

A man will pay

[johnb80]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

 

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

 

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[johnb80]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

 

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

 

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

 

The American blew a huge bubble. " We don't. In the states we only eat whats inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform then into croissants, and sell them to Australia."

 

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

 

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

 

Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course".

 

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the states we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

 

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

 

The American smiled and said, "Why, of course we do." The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "and what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

 

"We throw them away, of course"

 

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.

 

Why do you think its called Wrigley's?"

[johnb80]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the

hell have you been?"

 

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

 

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

 

"I got a

[johnb80]

1) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,

then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it is.

13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

14. For every idiot proof invention, they invent a better idiot.

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48. Get a new car for you spouse - it'll be a great trade!

49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

[johnb80]

There was a man who really took care of his body. He went to the gym, lifted

weights, jogged six miles every day, trained with the local rugby boys, took

care of his diet, etc. etc. Then, one morning he looked into the mirror,

admiring his body, and noticed that he was sun-tanned all over with the

exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

 

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand,

except for his dick, which he left sticking out of the sand.

 

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using

a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the

sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

 

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no

justice in the world."

 

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

 

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that.......

 

When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I'd forgot about it.

Now look! I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to

squat!"