Tee Hee

[Guest Gurugal]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''

 

Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''

 

She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

 

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''

 

Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''

 

''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

 

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?''. Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.''

 

''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...''

 

Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''

[Guest Gurugal]

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

 

The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

 

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

 

The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

 

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."

[bigdaddy]

THE HORSE RACE

 

THE LINEUP:

In lane 1: Passionate Lady.

In lane 2: Bare Belly.

In lane 3: Silk Panties.

In lane 4: Conscience.

In lane 5: Jockey Shorts.

In lane 6: Clean Sheets.

In lane 7: Thighs.

In lane 8: Big Dick.

In lane 9: Heavy Bosom.

In lane 10: Merry Cherry.

 

AAAAAAAAAAND THEY'RE OFF.

Conscience is left behind at the gate... Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured and Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs, and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot...

 

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick...

 

AT THE STRETCH:

It's Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.....Big Dick is making a final drive... Big Dick moves inside and Passionate Lady is coming...

 

AT THE FINISH:

It's Big Dick giving everything he's got....Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but... Big Dick comes through with one final thrust, and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows and Thighs weaken... Heavy Bosom pulls up.....and Clean Sheets never had a chance!!!

[teresa]

;) All Drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen

Advil is Ibuprofen

Penicillin is Amoxycillin And so on...

 

What's the generic name for Viagra?

Mycoxafailin ;)

[teresa]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

 

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

 

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

 

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

 

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

 

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

 

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[teresa]

:D Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree in a room on Quality St it was After Eight . he

 

turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic! he slipped his hand into her Snickers

 

& showed her his CurlyWurly. not keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him take a

 

trip up Bourneville boulevard. she screamed with Turkish Delight as he took out

 

his Fun sized Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie & she wanted some Time Out but he

 

did a Twirl & had a Picnic in her Pink Wafers :D

 

 

;) ;) ;) ;) :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :P

[mumof4]

;) :lol: ;)

[greg_68]

Father Murphy is on his annual tour of the local convent.

 

He enters Sister Mary's room where he spies 2 parrots in cage in the corner of the room.

 

"My what beautiful birds" compliments Father Murphy.

 

"Were two hookers, were two hookers" squawk the birds.

 

"I'm so sorry" sister Mary says, they are always saying that.

 

"Do not worry Sister Mary" replies Father Murphy,

 

"I too have parrots that read the bible and pray for 8 hours a day, bring your parrots around tomorrow and we will see if they can help"

 

Sister Mary duly obliges and the next day she arrives at Father Murphy's room with her two birds.

 

She sees Father Murphy's parrots sitting in the corner with their heads in a bible praying.

 

Mary sits her two birds down next to Father Murphy's .

 

"Were two hookers, were two hookers" again squawk the birds.

 

"Put your rosary beads away" squawks one of Father Murphy's parrots

 

"Our prayers have been answered"

[bigdaddy]

:lol: :lol: :D :D

[teresa]

:lol: :lol: Be Warned !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Shopping scam

 

In Tesco while packing shopping, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old girls

 

in tiny tops. They wash your screen with tits hanging out & ask for a lift to next

 

shop as payment. On way they strip and go down on each other, then 1 climbs in

 

front and sucks you off, the other then nicks your wallet!!!! I had mine stolen last

 

Tue, Wed, twice on Thursday again on Sat and also yesterday

[roly1977]

WHEN EVER A WOMEN MOANS ABOUT GIVING YOU A BLOW JOB JUST REMIND HER IT IS FAR EASIER TO DRINK A TEASPOON OF CREAM THAN IT IS TO LICK A DEAD FISH :lol: :lol:

[teresa]

:lol: :D :D :lol: :D :D :o

[mumof4]

That was gross!! :lol: :lol: :D :D

[bigdaddy]

WHEN EVER A WOMEN MOANS ABOUT GIVING YOU A BLOW JOB JUST REMIND HER IT IS FAR EASIER TO DRINK A TEASPOON OF CREAM THAN IT IS TO LICK A DEAD FISH :D :D

brilliant :lol: :lol: :D :D :o :D

[gregers]

roly bloody exelent :lol: :D

[roly1977]

name the 5 great kings that have brought happiness to peoples lives ?

 

 

 

ANSWER ; DRIN-KING

LIC-KING

SUC-KING

FUC-KING

AND WAN-KING

:lol: :D :D :lol: :lol: :(

[Guest DavyG]

For some reason my dearly beloved thought the following was more than a tad amusing .....

 

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their

family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired

and sombre. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he

surveyed the worried faces."The only hope left for your loved one at

this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very

risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but

you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.

" The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great

length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The

doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a

female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to

smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually

smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question

everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The

doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire

group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the

price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

:blink:

[Guest DavyG]

All Ireland Football Final

 

A Tipperary man had two great tickets for the All-Ireland final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting

in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would

have a seat like this for the All-Ireland Final, the biggest sporting

event in Ireland, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed

to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first All-Ireland

Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

 

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't

find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take

the seat?

 

The man shakes his head ...

 

( wait for it................this is classic)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No. They're all at the funeral."

[katman]

WHAT MAKES LIFE 100%

 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

 

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

 

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

 

What makes life 100%?

 

If

 

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

 

as:

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then,

 

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

 

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

 

But,

 

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

 

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

 

And look how far .........

 

A S S K I S S I N G

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

 

will take you.

[gregers]

thats exelent ill print that and give it to my boss :)

[Bigjeeze]

TIPS FOR MEETINGS

 

Do you keep dozing off in meetings and seminars?

What about those fruitless, boring conference calls?

Here's a way to change all that:

 

 

(1) Before your next meeting, briefing, or conference call,

prepare a card. - 25cm by 25cm is a good size.

Divide the card into columns-five across and five down.

That will give you 25 blocks.

 

 

(2) Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

 

synergy

 

strategic fit

 

core competencies

 

best practices

 

bottom line

 

revisit

 

take that off-line

 

24x7

 

out of the loop

 

benchmark

 

value-added

 

proactive

 

win-win

 

think outside the box

 

fast track

 

results-driven

 

empower (or empowerment)

 

knowledge base

 

Brain Storm

 

touch base

 

mindset

 

client focus(ed)

 

going forward

 

game plan

 

leverage

 

 

(3) Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those

words or phrases.

 

(4) When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or

diagonally, stand up and shout "B*llocks!"

 

 

 

TESTIMONIALS FROM SATISFIED "B*LLOCKS BINGO" PLAYERS:

 

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."

- Jack W,London.

 

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."

- David D., Manchester

 

"What a laugh! Meetings will never be the same for me after my

first win."

- Bill R., Edinburgh

 

"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us

waited for the fifth box."

- Ben G., Reading

 

"The team leader was stunned as eight of us screamed "B*llocks!"

in unison, for the third time in two hours."

- Kathleen L., Ipswich

:D

[Bigjeeze]

A priest sees a woman walking towards the confession box.

 

The woman attends every week, but never has anything to confess

so the priest asks the caretaker to sit in the confession box in his place.

 

He tells the caretaker the woman never sins so just listen to her confession

then give her 3 hail Marys.

 

The woman confesses to giving a man oral sex and the caretaker panics and looks out of the confessional for the priest.

The only person around is an Altar boy, so the caretaker asks him what the priest usually gives for oral sex.

To which the alter boy replies "2 Mars bars and a can of Coke"

[Bigjeeze]

NOTES OF A THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it

becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as

when

they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some

are

over sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my

wife, Alice. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became

necessary for

Alice to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the

health

benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed

she was beginning to show her age.

 

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets

home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always

says

she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't

yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me

when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's

Grill at

the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked

grub

when I hit that door.

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's

not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after

dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times

each

evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates

this,

as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she

will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly

bills

during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I

just

smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or

even

three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

 

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't

hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of

my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest

periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing

the

yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix

herself a

nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a

while.

And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make

one for me too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Alice.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men

will

find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than

I

do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if

you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife

because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well

worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Ron

 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a

Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his ass

with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Alice was arrested, but

the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat

down on it.

[Bigjeeze]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together

and then

have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.When the baby is

born,

they

rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of

whom are

crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling

serenely.

 

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out

the

happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the

other.

 

"All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy.

 

This just proves our love for one another."

 

The nurse says "Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens

when we

pull the THERMOMETER out of his Arse!"

[Bigjeeze]

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared

at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the

front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away

from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for

one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming

oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So

Satan walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know who I am?" The

man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the

man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute, "returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all

eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still

not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little

perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man

calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."