Tee Hee

[bigdaddy]

Eating Grass

 

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

[mumof4]

:lol: pmsl :lol: :lol:

[mumof4]

:lol: :lol:

[Bigjeeze]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to

her,

> draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

>

> After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human

> Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the

> co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

>

> The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's

> sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

>

> The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget"

[Bigjeeze]

13. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

 

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich!

 

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

8. Some people are like Slinkies ... . Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

 

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

 

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the oldest.

 

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; If you are two days late with a video those people are all over your ass. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

[greg_68]

A married couple were lying in bed one night.

 

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

 

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

 

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

 

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. "The husband says, "No, not at all."

 

His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing ?"

 

Seconds before his death he says...

 

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

[gregers]

:lol: superb :P and the scouser one :D

[mumof4]

:lol: :P :D ..brilliant!

[bigdaddy]

you write for ,,,,,, amazingjokes.com,,,,,,lollllllll

[gregers]

bloke goes into a bar and says to the bar tender,ill have 6 double vodkas line up plz,barman does as hes asked,bloke starts to drink them gets half way through and barman asks why the 6 vodkas,well says bloke just had my 1st blowjob today,congratulations says the barman let me buy u one also,thanx says the bloke barman then asks why the drinks though and bloke replys I NEEDED SOMETHING TO GET RID OF THIS AWFUL TASTE

[gregers]

3 women in the same family,all are prostitutes,mother charges

[gregers]

a baby monkey asked his mother why are we so ugly?mum replied,son thank god we look like this,you should see the poor bastard thats reading this message.

[gregers]

theyve just opened up a zoo near me,i went to have a look but they only had 1 animal,a dog,it was a shitzu.

[gregers]

please note:from 30th may 2006 the drug viagra will be known by its chemical name-please ask your pharmacist to prescribe MYCOXAFLOPIN.

[gregers]

an in depth study has shown that the bird flu virus hits small cocks first thought id better warn you guys immediately.

[gregers]

tips for women giving blow jobs

1:if you do it for lust........spit

 

2:if you do it for love.......swallow

 

3:if you do it to impress....gargle

[gregers]

how did you get hold of mum of fours picture :blink: :huh:

[mumof4]

cheeky git!!

[bigdaddy]

:ph34r: :ph34r: :lol:

[gregers]

a man died having sex with his wife,couple of days later she gets a call from the undertakers asking her to pay them a visit because theres a problem,so off she goes and the director says because he died with a hard on they cant close the lid,what shall we do,she thinks for a moment and says cut off his dick and shove it up his arse......do what says the director,thats right do as i say replys the wife,after the deed is done,she goes to see him laying in the chapel of rest,leans into the casket and spots a solitry tear running down her dead husbands cheek,and says fucking hurts dont it.

[bigdaddy]

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[mumof4]

:lol: :lol:

[chicosi]

A woman goes to see her recently departed husband at the undertaker's. She takes one look in the casket and bursts into a flood of tears.

 

"My deepest sympaties" says the undertaker "this must be an trying time for you"

 

"It's not so much much that" says the woman "it sounds silly, but my husband said he'd like to be buried in his blue suit and you've got him dressed in black"

 

"Leave it with me" says the undertaker "and I'll see what I can do"

 

Next day, the woman returns and looks in the casket to see her husband resplendent in a blue suit. "Oh, that's wonderful" she says "however did you manage that?"

 

"Well" says the undertaker "just after you left another deceased came in. He was wearing a blue suit and just happened to be the same height and weight as your husband"

 

"That was lucky" says the woman

 

"I'll say" says the undertaker "all we had to do was swap the heads!"

[johnb80]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one

look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately

told her to undress.

After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he

asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking

for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the

doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes,"

the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct,"

replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having

sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the

first place."

[johnb80]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells

the mechanic, "It died."

 

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

 

She says: "What's the story?"

 

He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."

 

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"