Tee Hee

[Masked Marauder]

http://www.bigtrucker.co.uk/images/grannyle4us4qo.jpg

[mumof4]

:lol: :lol:

[gregers]

:lol: brillient :lol: :lol:

[Scorpiorefugee]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

 

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

 

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working

cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,

doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and

feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

 

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,

I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think

about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old

cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

 

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a

lesbian."

[bigdaddy]

BigJ,,,,,hitman joke is brill :lol: :lol: :lol:

[katman]

One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".

 

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

 

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

 

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his member.

 

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

[katman]

Pregnant Irish girl phones home.

 

"Mam oi tink me waters hav broke"

 

"Oh me Holy Jaysus. Where are ya ringin from?"

 

"Oim ringin from me minge to me fockin ankles!"

[katman]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door

of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few

feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter

and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:

"Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

 

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we

do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

 

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk

onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss

ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?

 

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

 

" Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo

ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"

[bigdaddy]

:wub: ;) B) ;) ;) :lol: :lol: :D

[mumof4]

:wub: ;) ;)

[steve67car]

irish lass one is pure class :lol:

almost spat me coffee out all over the puter screen :D

[mumof4]

:lol: classic

[Masked Marauder]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

 

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

 

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep awakening around 10.00 pm.

 

As the man threw on his clothes, he asked the woman to get some chalk and rub it behind his right ear. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

 

He slipped into his coat and drove home.

 

Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

 

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 10.00pm."

 

The wife glanced up at his ear and said, "You lying bastard! You've been up the pub playing darts!!"

[bigdaddy]

The latest in pest control :lol:

 

 

 

Clicky Here

[bigdaddy]

A Texan Is drinking in a New York Bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[bigdaddy]

A newly wed couple

 

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.

A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

 

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. ''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

[mumof4]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[bigdaddy]

A Wife making Breakfast

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband one morning. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking

too many at once. Too MANY! Turn them over. Turn them over NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more BUTTER!?

Great! Now they're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry UP! Are you crazy? Have you lost your MIND? Don't forget to salt them. You KNOW you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. The SALT! Use the SALT!"

His wife just stared at him. "What in the hell is the matter with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving."

[bigdaddy]

Questions and answers about women

 

Questions and answers about women

 

Q. Why did God give men penises?

A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

 

Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?

A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your check.

 

Q. How is a woman like a laxative?

A. They both irritate the shit out of you.

 

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?

A. It's Braille for "suck here".

 

Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to.

 

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

 

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.

 

Q. Why do women have tits?

A. So men will talk to them.

 

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?

A. You come in one and go in the other.

 

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

 

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?

A. Money.

 

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

 

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

 

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?

A. Ten minutes of silence.

[bigdaddy]

Upskirts

 

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's

[bigdaddy]

Three black Men

 

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the

sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological

oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[bigdaddy]

The Rewards Of A Healthy Lifestyle

 

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

 

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

[bigdaddy]

The New Priest

 

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit...what happened next?

[bigdaddy]

Three women going to Heaven

 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[bigdaddy]

Marriage

 

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and niticed that her husband isn't in bed anymore.

She gets up and goes down to check out where he is. She finds him staring at the wall, tears in his eyes.

She askes: "what's going on, darling?"

After a while he answers: " Do you remember the first time we had sex in the back of my car and your father caught us?"

"Yes !" she answers. "Do you remember the fact that he putted a barrel of a gun in my mouth and said : Or you marry my daughter or you go to prison for at least 20 years !!!"

"Yes, I still remember" answers his wife, emotioned by his romantic memories.

"Well" he says, " today I would have been free... "