steve67car Posted February 26, 2006 Report Posted February 26, 2006 a sheep on a sign in wales leisure centre ahead Quote
bigdaddy Posted February 26, 2006 Report Posted February 26, 2006 Sentenced to Death A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!""Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.""Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks."Please tie the Scouser to my back." Quote
bigdaddy Posted February 26, 2006 Report Posted February 26, 2006 The Boss The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t." Quote
Guest nikvenn Posted February 27, 2006 Report Posted February 27, 2006 When you are in deep trouble, say nothing, and try to look like you know what you're doing.               http://www.npkjlvenn.demon.co.uk/dodo.jpg Quote
bigdaddy Posted February 28, 2006 Report Posted February 28, 2006 Bloody Brilliant :huh: :huh: :P :P Quote
bigdaddy Posted March 3, 2006 Report Posted March 3, 2006 My wife left me... I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up. But I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw Quote
familyman Posted March 4, 2006 Report Posted March 4, 2006 :( Mum of 4 ,wife has told me to inform you she is out on the p*ss again tonight ,but good news is i have managed to book next friday night out with the boys -(wonder if a pint of lager still costs 50p)! :rolleyes: Quote
mumof4 Posted March 4, 2006 Report Posted March 4, 2006 ruddy ell....your going OUT????? :o  what did you do to get you leave pass stamped for next week???? :ph34r:  i think you will need to add on a few quid to that 50p for a pint,(so hubby tells me!!) B) Quote
familyman Posted March 4, 2006 Report Posted March 4, 2006 :ph34r: Had to look after wifes "needs" B) Quote
mumof4 Posted March 4, 2006 Report Posted March 4, 2006 needs????dont sound to good!!!! was it hard??? Quote
Guest vr6galaxy Posted March 4, 2006 Report Posted March 4, 2006 A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic......  When they got home, the postman was found dead on the driveway :ph34r: Quote
Guest vr6galaxy Posted March 4, 2006 Report Posted March 4, 2006 I'm presently surfing the site via gizoogle.com :ph34r: it's quite good in places B) Quote
familyman Posted March 4, 2006 Report Posted March 4, 2006 :ph34r: Nah she "needed" the hall decorating Quote
mumof4 Posted March 4, 2006 Report Posted March 4, 2006 :ph34r: Â ah well...least it got you out!!...have a pint for me. B) Quote
mumof4 Posted March 4, 2006 Report Posted March 4, 2006 :ph34r: :o ..might get you 3 pints if you lucky!! B) Quote
familyman Posted March 4, 2006 Report Posted March 4, 2006 :ph34r: It's been so long since i've been out 3 pints will be more than enough! . on a more serious note 2 lads i know went to a lapdancing club ordererd 2 pints of lager while a young lady gyrated in front of them -and were then charged SIXTEEN pounds for the 2 drinks ,i would have been devastated!! Quote
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