steve67car Posted February 21, 2006 Report Posted February 21, 2006 women :lol: full of hot air :P Quote
steve67car Posted February 21, 2006 Report Posted February 21, 2006 a husband complains about the lack of sex and says i have tried to make love to you every night this year and only succided 36 times the reasons were as follows to a no go54 times clean sheets17 times its to late49 times your to tired20 times it was to hot15 times you pretended to be asleep22 times you had a head ache17 times you were afried the kids would awaken16 times you were to sore12 times wrong time of month19 times you had early start9 times not in the mood7 times you had sun burn6 times you were watching late night tv5 times you had new hair do3 time you said the nieghbours would hear9 times the mother in law would hearand of the 36 times we had it it was not on 6 times you lay still4 times i had to wake you to tell you i had finished4 time you told me to hurry and finish8 times you maoned about the cielling being cracked and once i stopped cause you moved and i hurt you to which the wife replies 5 times you came home pissed and tried to screw the cat36 times you were not here21 times you did not cum33 times you cum to soon19 times you to soft38times you late home from work39 times early start golf match31 times you lost notion after thinking about it all day104 times you came in you boxers while reading pornand the reason i did not move or went to sleep was you missed the hole and shagged the sheets i did not moan about the ceilling i asked if you wanted me on my back or kneeling as for the time i moved you had farted and i was trying to get air Quote
bigdaddy Posted February 21, 2006 Report Posted February 21, 2006 An old man goes to see the doctor."it's about my bowel movements..." says the old man."Are they loose?" asks the doctor."No" says the old man."Are you constipated then?" asks the doctor."No" says the old man, "Regular as clockwork, that's me!" he continues. "You can set your watch by it....eight o'clock every morning without fail.""So what's the problem?" asks the doctor."I don't wake up till nine!" Quote
greg_68 Posted February 22, 2006 Report Posted February 22, 2006 A woman has been in a coma for 2 years. One day the nurses are giving her a bed bath, whilst cleaning her fanny the monitor gives out a signal.Once again they touch her fanny and low and behold a response is seen on the screen.They quickly call her husband who arrives to discuss thier findings."Maybe oral sex could bring her out of it" pipes up one nurse.So they close the curtains to give the couple some privacy.5 minutes later the monitors go ape and the nurses all rush in to find the woman dead."What an earth has happened" asks the senior nurse."I don't know" replies the husband "I think she may have choked." Quote
NikpV Posted February 23, 2006 Report Posted February 23, 2006 A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you " "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour" "Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.  "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.." The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans and knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?          "Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique" Quote
bigdaddy Posted February 23, 2006 Report Posted February 23, 2006 Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.  After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."  The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow." Quote
mumof4 Posted February 23, 2006 Report Posted February 23, 2006 :( bloody brilliant.....took me a couple of goes at reading it tho!! :( :D Quote
bigdaddy Posted February 25, 2006 Report Posted February 25, 2006 It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Quote
greg_68 Posted February 25, 2006 Report Posted February 25, 2006 Englisman, Scotsmans and an Irishman.Englishman says "my wifes got a car and she hasn't even passed her test"that's nothing replies the Scotsman "my wifes on a diet and she's not even fat"I can beat that says the Irishman "my wifes gone to Ibiza for the week and took 30 condoms with her and she hasn't even got a cock" Quote
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