Tee Hee

[Ronnie W.]

A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage.

The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort but endures the pain.

 

Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly.

 

Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do.

 

The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror.

 

"What's the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

 

"No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders :lol:

[familyman]

:lol: OOER MRS

[gregers]

a man dies half way through s@@ging his missus,couple days later the undertaker rings her to say we have a problem could you come to the palour asap plz,so shes goes and the man says because he had a h@rd on we cant close the lid what do we do?the wife thinks for a second and replys cut his dick off and shove it up his arse,you sure comes the reply YES says the wife after the deed is done she goes to veiw dearly departed hubby looks in his coffin and sees a solitry tear running down his cheek she leans in and says KING HURTS DONT IT :lol:

[Ian in Northampton]

Along similar lines...

 

This woman's husband dies, and is taken away by the undertaker. She goes to see the body, and promptly bursts into tears.

 

"What's the matter?" says the undertaker?

 

"Well, it's just that he always wanted to be buried in a blue suit," she says, "but you've got him wearing a black suit."

 

"Oh, OK," says the undertaker. "We'll see what we can do."

 

The wife comes back a few days later to see her husband's body again, and this time she's all smiles.

 

"That's wonderful," she says to the undertaker. "Thanks you so much. How did you do it?"

 

"Well, we were really lucky," says the undertaker. "Not long after you were here, we brought another guy in. He was a similar size and weight to your husband - and he was wearing a blue suit."

 

"Well, wasn't that lucky?" says the wife.

 

"It certainly was," says the undertaker. "So then, all we had to do was swap their heads over."

[Andrew T]

Subject: FW: Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2005......

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

 

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..

Self-raising?"

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

 

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

[Ivor]

A German guy approaches a prostitute "I vish to buy sex vit you".

 

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour".

 

".....ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".

 

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky".

 

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your

hans und knees". The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

 

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees"

 

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

 

"You vill please blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

 

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say "That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?"

 

"Ah", says the German.............."Four-sprung Duck technique".

[Guest topcarp2]

whats the difference between a 69 and a mugger???

 

with a 69 you can see the c**t coming....

[Guest topcarp2]

what stands at the bottom of your bed and takes the p*ss out of you???

a kidney dialysis machine...

[Guest topcarp2]

what is a w*nk??????

wows and wows of soldiers...

 

whats the meaning of AIDS????

A*se

Injected

Death

Sentence...

 

what does GAY stand for???

Got Aids Yet...

 

snow white thought that 7up was a fizzy drink...untill she met the dwarfs

 

heard about the religous dyslexic insomaniac???

he lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...

[Guest topcarp2]

this womans stood at the checkout in tesco and the man behind her is having a real good nosey at her shopping...she turns to the man and asks why he is staring at what she has bought..the man replys "madam just by lookin at your shoppin i can tell you live alone"....."what brings you to that conclusion then" inquires the woman..."its cos your fat and ugly" replys the man...

[Guest topcarp2]

whats the best thing about a blow job????

10 minutes f***ing silence!!!

[gregers]

:huh: :huh: :lol:

[Guest topcarp2]

this mans wife has a birthday coming up and she really wants her husband to buy her a blue parrot..he goes onto a pet shop and asks the shopkeeper for a blue parrot and is duly informed they are quite rare and he dont have any in..however he does have a blue frog for sale.."what use to me is a blue frog?" says the customer."well it gives one hell of a blow job" came the reply.the man did'nt believe this so he asked the shopkeeper to prove it.after a short session in the storeroom the shopkeepers claims are confirmed and the man buys the frog..he walks in the house and presents his wife with the blue frog while explaining he can't get her a blue parrot because of the rarity of them.."A BLUE FROG..YOU P*ICK I ASKED FOR A BLUE PARROT,WHY DID YOU BRING ME THIS",she screamed at him.."well it gives bloody good head" her husband replied""AND WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ABOUT THAT"she once more screamed at him.."EASY" he said,"teach it to cook THEN F*CK OFF"..

[Guest topcarp2]

whats the similarity between walking a tightrope 300 foot up and getting a blow job off a 85 yr old woman???

 

you just dare'nt look down...

 

 

whats got 37 legs and smells of pi55???

the weekly pension queue

[bigdaddy]

A young guy bought himself a shiny new motorcycle covered with nickels and bright chrome. He asked the salesman,

[bigdaddy]

Rocky, a mafia wise-guy, just had gotten paid a plentiful sum of money. He decided to improve his image and have a swell night-out impressing the ladies. So he went and purchased a custom tailored Armani suite, a Forzieri shirt, and a pair of $500 Gucci shoes. After being well suited for his night on the town, he started out at his favorite night club; where he new the ladies were hot and wanting. The atmosphere of the club was upbeat, discrete and sensual.

 

 

 

Rocky saw a familiar girl that he approached, and asked,

[bigdaddy]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".

That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",

No . not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[bigdaddy]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

[Guest vr6galaxy]

Lads keep it clean this is a non restrict veiwing site! meaning anyone of an age who can operate a computer and get access to a web site can read this stuff! including your children :huh:

[Guest topcarp2]

A little girl with big Blue eyes & long Blonde curls walks in a pet shop & askes in a cute lisp, "Ecuthe me mither, do you sell widdle wabbit's?". The shop keeper melts and answers "Would you like a widdle fwuffy white wabbit, or a widdle fwuffy bwack wabbit?".

 

 

 

The little girl replies, "Dont think my Python really gives a fcuk what colour it is mate!".

[Guest topcarp2]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was

to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale."Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat " After a moment she asked,

blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room

floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be

pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly

concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had

to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,.. um.. equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted............

[Guest topcarp2]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

 

"Did you help him?"she asks.

 

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself.

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes," comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[familyman]

:huh: four spring duck technique was a corker!

[Guest topcarp2]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of 4X and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."

[Guest topcarp2]

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

 

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

 

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

 

The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.

 

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

 

The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

 

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f*cked?"

 

The man said "No"

 

She said "You will be when the tide comes in"