Eric Morecambe Posted February 16, 2011 Report Posted February 16, 2011 Ernie met this lass and took her home to meet me and the wifeI whispered to Ernie "Where the hell did you meet her?" "She's cross eyed, bow legged, no hair & got few teeth!""Ernie replied "There's no need to whisper Eric, she's deaf" Quote
Eric Morecambe Posted February 18, 2011 Author Report Posted February 18, 2011 I got sacked from our local paper being an Agony Aunt ... Dear Eric,I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitterThey announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Can you help me I'm desperate! Dear reader:The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps, Eric. Quote
gregers Posted February 18, 2011 Report Posted February 18, 2011 what do you call a nun in a wheel chair? VIRGIN MOBILE. Quote
Eric Morecambe Posted February 18, 2011 Author Report Posted February 18, 2011 Got a Chinese last night & on the way home in the car I heard the bag rustling. I looked over, seen a pair of eyes looking out the top of the bag then they disappeared. Could'nt believe it.I carried on driving home when it happened again. I was so shocked I nearly crashed the car. I looked over and there were the eyes looking at me, then disappeared.I went back to the Chinese to and said " What the hell is going on with my takeaway I ordered"Chinese man replied " Eric you no worry, its only Peking Duck " Quote
Eric Morecambe Posted February 18, 2011 Author Report Posted February 18, 2011 My mate Tommy Cooper took his Goldfish back to Pet Shop complaining that it suffers from Epilepsy.The shop owner says "It looks calm enough to me Mr Cooper"Tommy replies "You av'nt taken it out the bowl yet" Quote
Eric Morecambe Posted February 18, 2011 Author Report Posted February 18, 2011 Went to a funeral yesterday with my new girlfriend. It was the first time I met her family. Tell you what, they're a bunch of miserable so and so's! Quote
Eric Morecambe Posted February 25, 2011 Author Report Posted February 25, 2011 Ernie myself and Tommy were doing a psychiatry lesson.Ernie was asked whats the opposite of Joy, Ernie said 'Sorrow'.I was asked whats the opposite of Depression, and I said 'Happiness'.Tommy was asked whats the opposite of Woe, he replied 'GIDDY UP'. Quote
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