A Few Gems

[gaznlou]

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

 

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

 

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop w*&king.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I

mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

 

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

Took her out with one punch.

 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding

behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

 

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

 

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?