Nz Flights

[gaznlou]

Would seem the NZ pilots have a definite sense of humour......

 

To those of you who fly a lot, this may help you to "lighten up" the

next time the airline of your choice causes you major aggravation!! All

too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight

safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some

examples that have been heard or reported:

 

*****

 

On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot

said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be

turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

the appearance of your flight attendants."

 

*****

 

Heard on an Air New Zealand flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish

to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you

can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

 

*******

 

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have."

 

******

 

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out

of this airplane."

 

******

 

"Thank you for flying Virgin Blue. We hope you enjoyed giving us the

business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

******

 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Dunedin Airport , a lone

voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

 

******

 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Auckland, a

flight attendant announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead

compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as shootin'

everything has shifted."

 

******

 

From an Air NZ employee: "Welcome aboard Air NZ Flight 245 to Wellington

. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and

pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised."

 

*****

 

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one

small child, pick your favourite."

 

******

 

Weather at our destination is 7 degrees Celsius with some broken clouds,

but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and

remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than we do."

 

******

 

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments."

 

******

 

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 

******

 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Virgin Blue is pleased

to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 

******

 

Heard on Qantas just after a very hard landing in Sydney : The flight

attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I

know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight

attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

 

******

 

Overheard on an Air NZ flight into Wellington on a particularly windy

and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having

to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wellington. Please remain in your

seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left

of our airplane to the gate!"

 

******

 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We

ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the

terminal."

 

******

 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers

exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said

that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking

with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why,

no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did

we land, or were we shot down?"

 

******

 

After a real crusher of a landing in Palmerston North, the attendant

came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats

until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching

halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the

warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your

way through the wreckage to the terminal."

 

******

 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank

you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the

insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal

tube, we hope you'll think of Air NZ."

 

******

 

A plane was taking off from Auckland Airport. After it reached a

comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the

intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome

to Flight Number 316, nonstop from Auckland to Los Angeles. The weather

ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful

flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and

after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I

was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of

hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger

yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"