Funny Lists..

[mumof4]

Student-Teacher Exchanges

 

 

1. TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

 

2. TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

 

3. TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

 

4. TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

 

5. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

 

6. TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years

ago.

WILLIE: Me!

 

7. TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

 

8. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

 

9. TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

 

10. TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also

admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

 

11. TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

 

12. TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.

Did you copy his?

DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

 

13. TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer

interested?

PUPIL: A teacher.

 

 

 

 

Automatic e-mail reply messages

 

 

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the

position. Be prepared for my mood.

 

2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

 

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.

If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 

4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I

may be promoted to management.

 

5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I

return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the

order it was received.

 

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten

words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver

this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

 

8. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

 

9. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are

currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

10. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

 

11. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

 

12. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any

messages.

 

13. I've run away to join a different circus.

 

14. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return,

please refer to me as "Loretta" instead of "Steve"

 

 

 

Top Reasons God Created Eve

 

 

1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for

directions.

 

2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

(Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

 

3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would

therefore need Eve to get one for him.

 

4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

 

5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

 

6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle

childbearing.

 

7. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

 

8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his

troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

 

9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

 

10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and

said, "I can do better than that."

 

 

 

Actual label instructions on consumer goods

 

1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

 

2. On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

 

3. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be how???....)

 

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

 

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):

Don 't turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

 

6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

 

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

 

8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get

those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

 

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(and... I'm taking this because???...)

 

10. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to... what?)

 

11. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

 

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

 

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)

 

14. On a child's superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

 

15. On a Swedish chainsaw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)