Some Jokes

[big_kev]

Three blondes are stranded on an island and their fairy godmother shows up.

 

She tells them they all will be granted one wish.

 

The first blonde wishes to have enough intelligence to get off the island, BOOM she is turned into a brunette, she learns how to build a signal fire, and she is later rescued.

 

The second blonde wishes for even more intelligence than the first, BOOM she is turned into a Red-Head, she learns how to swim, and she eventually makes it home.

 

The third blonde ask's for even MORE intelligence than the second, BOOM the fairy godmother turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.

[big_kev]

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something.

 

A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.

 

"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

 

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.

 

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunk.

 

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

 

The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."

[big_kev]

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."

 

 

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

 

 

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

 

 

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

 

 

So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

 

 

The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

[big_kev]

My wife asked what it would take to make her look good I said "About a mile"

[big_kev]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

 

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

 

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

 

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

 

"Like this?"

 

"A little more..."

 

"Like this?"

 

"No. A little more..."

 

"Like this?"

 

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

 

"A little bit."

 

"Now stretch it over your head!"

[big_kev]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

 

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

 

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

 

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

 

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

 

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.