Grumpy

Jokes from Germany:- Knock, knock. Who's there? The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital. A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family. Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem. What do you call a cat with no tail? A manx cat. Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed. Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.' Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off. Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest. "I say, I say - my dog's got no nose!" "Your dog's got no nose? How does he smell?" "He can't - he's got no nose" "I say, I say - my wife's gone to the West Indies" "Oh really? Jamaica?" "No, Barbados" A horse walked into a Berlin bar, and the barman said, "Will somebody get this f****g animal out of my bar???" __________________________ A German, an Irishman and a Japanese were on a desert island. They had an awful time, because they couldn't understand a word anybody said. ____________________________ A German on a desert island found a genie's magic lantern. He rubbed it, and the genie came out. "What are your three wishes?" asked the genie. "Wie bitte?" asked the German. "What are your three wishes?" "Ich kann nicht verstehen," said the German, and used it to make tea.

Just one more:- Why did the chicken cross the road ? GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. HANZ BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road. MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador) The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken. SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was an historical inevitability. VOLTAIRE I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it. RONALD REAGAN What chicken? CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

OK then, my contribution:- Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!" THERE'S MORE... Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

OOPS............................... Thats what you get for assuming (assume - makes an ASS out of U and ME!!) Just assumed as the Citroens normal key set the alarm off then so would the Fords Oh well glad I found this forum, thanks for the responses, next time I will check before I post. Still think its c%$p that only 1 remote key is supplied though. Cheers Nick

And sets the alarm off? At least thats what happens with my Citroen, must confess I assume it will happen with the Ford too

Dual Air Con Cruise Control Electric windows including rear 1/4 lights Trip Computer ONLY 1 REMOTE KEY Thanks Ford, I too thaught the dealer was trying to fob me off with one "normal" key and one remote key. Before I traded my Scenic in, my wife and myself had our own keys and now we have to share, I always hang them up when I get in (yes I know the thieves know where to look) but she keeps them in her coat pocket / handbag so I always have to have a rummage before I can use the car. The other car is a Citroen Xantia, this is the same (1 norm key 1 remote) but usually only I drive this so sharing keys is not an issue. What is the point of having a normal second key, you cant use it if the car has been locked with the remote key.

thesimplesignman Great idea, where can you get these in size 1 1/2? Nick ps Yes I do mean 1 1/2!

Hi Not sure if this is the right section for this but anyway. My wife is 4ft 11ins (1.5m) and cant reach the tailgate to shut the boot, she normally gets around this problem by not letting go of it when she loads the shopping. I have looked at the tailgate to see if there is a simple way to add a strap without damaging the trim but have so far drawn a blank. Has anyone any sugestions on the best way to do this. Cheers Nick

Hi I was posting earlier under the user name NickDavy but my login seems to have got screwed up and wouldnt let me post so now I'm grumpy! Anyway, my aux heater. I drove for 2 - 3 miles from cold to a supermarket and whilst reversing into a space noticed smoke coming from underneath again so I'm guessing that it will need to be fixed. My used car waranty outfit (RAC) is about as useful as a chocolate fryingpan and dont want to know as this is not specifically listed in their "what we will fix" list so I guess I'll have to break out the spanners and give it a go.